JP

2010-05-18T13:11:00.003-06:00

Dear blog;

It's been awhile. Today I'm on a new journey. But I find it hard some days, to believe in myself. But I've gotta keep pushing forward. Anything big started from a little beginning didn't it?

In deed it did.

My King

2007-10-23T23:23:00.000-06:00

you are my light, you are my strength, you are my shield, my rock in the rainstorms of life. you are the superior - you are the weight which holds me down. you make me whole after I am broken. you restore me after the waves of the seas have passed. you are gentle. so humble. so strong. you are a continual rock. a true lamp unto my feet. this dear Jesus cannot be over ruled. You cannot be overcome, you cannot be defeated. By man, nor Satan. No evil can touch your ways. Victory is a part of who you are like flesh is to a man.

my king

the heart cries thank you. it flows like water from a dam. the outpour of a thankful heart. Filled by your love, by your mercy, by your greatness. It's who you are. It's what you stand for. It's too good to be true but remains solid.

I wrote this, realizing but an aspect of who God is. After breakthrough from captivity in my life, sitting in the silence of night, with little words on the tongue accept thanksgiving pouring from the heart. I am humbled by His appearance. By His mercy overpowering my own bad decisions and my own baggage. Humility... yeah.... He loves me. He loves US. Far too much to let us die, to let us crawl across a finish line with little breath left in our lungs. We ought to dance across it, full of life, full of praise, but tired from giving the best we could. He loves us, it's true.

Educational Opposition

2007-05-11T01:26:00.000-06:00

Clenched fists are bleeding
Black and white
Purple discoloration
Throbbing fluctuation
Fleeting circulation

Glowing hearts
Firm handshakes
Eye contact

Hour glass of the mind
Dual negativity
I scare you
You scare me

War in the country
Death bringing peace
Fight in the unseen
The silence are the tears

The unspoken words
Illogically entrusted
The monster peers through the closet in darkness
When history threatens return

Sunrise approaching
A beautiful smile
Warriors are meek in appearance
Strength is weakness?

Inadequate
Educational Opposition
Mountains reach higher than skyscrapers
Walls stand higher than I

Mere words defeat giants
Weapons are not made from steel
The victory at hand
…Is mine

Thick Skullz

2007-05-02T01:28:00.000-06:00

For some reason, I just can't get the same things I hear over and over and over again, in my head and to stay there. They don't sink in and I'm walking in circles I don't even want to walk in. I just can't get through my head (among what seems to be MANY things right now) that I'm loved for who I am, whoever that is, I am loved for it, and it is not what I have or what I do that grants me love. See, I know this, but at the same time, I don't know it at all.

2007-03-26T23:07:00.000-06:00

There’s violence in the heart tonight
A raging war
Manifested Judgement
I’ve given you the keys and you’ve destroyed my bedroom
You’ve birthed fear, distrust & control
Intertwined to cause the snowball effect
But there’s beauty in the spotlight that caught you dead in your tracks
For the name of love
The strength of your cold, blood thirsty hands has weakened
It’s a beautiful falling
The clock is ticking
Your skin is rotting

Distance between the greatest lover in history
your strength boasts and gnashes,
has pride all over it,
the true strength of the strongest one,
enters in gently and quietly,
with peace,
with honour,
without a word, but a smirk on His face,
the light of a bold sunrise behind Him,
filling the entire sky.
Love.
It’s humbled silence;
the most powerful strength this world will ever know.
And we’ve only tasted but a sample

More powerful than the hands of a thief.
More beautiful than diamonds,
Stronger than death
Shout for victory
It’s waiting for you…

Far From Home

2007-03-19T13:28:00.000-06:00

I’m trying my absolute hardest to walk straight down a long, narrow corridor. My mind is sober, but my body is dizzy; drunk. I’m bouncing off wall to wall, struggling to keep my balance. Frustration builds from a longing to get it right, rooted in weeds that I do not know, or necessarily see them, but I know that they are there.

A ball of yarn is rolled up into one big mess. I spend too much time staring. Pressure can be exerted for so long before it destroys something. Too much inward focus will cause an implosion. It’s an evil ploy I fall victim to and cannot see the proper path. Mistake after mistake, I feel so far from home sometimes, in a prison I created for myself. And I don’t know why. How aggravating…

New Beginnings

2007-03-06T22:13:00.000-07:00

I am loved for who I am and not what I do. I have sought for the dreams of God, the gifts of God, the anointing of God, and the many gifts of God and in that I have worshipped what God does rather than who God is.

I’m beginning not to care so much about what I can do for Christ anymore (not to neglect what He gives me, but not focusing my life upon it) Rather, my focus is shifting more on just having simple relationship with God. Where I won’t go to church because I ‘like it’ or because the music is good, or the speaker is good, or even for the atmosphere and how it makes me feel, but so I will wake up on a Sunday and just want to go there to seek the face of God, let alone throughout my whole week, that worship wouldn’t be a Sunday morning event, but an everyday event, through the way I live. That my life’s focus would be to see the face of God. That my hunger would increase and when satisfied, be exchanged for more hunger.

Afterall, He’s more interested in our hearts than our actions, and if anything, He’s more interested in why we do what we do, rather than what we do.

Religion break off, we want the real deal. I’m tired of my religion.

2007-02-27T10:02:00.000-07:00

I'm slowly learning that love is accepting people for who they are, NOT what they do.

And in turn, I'm realizing I am not loved for what I do, but who I am. It's revelation to me because I have been decieved and my vision impaired. Thanks be to God, that He can save me from heading down a path of a performing wonder drug.

Freedom

2007-02-20T21:26:00.000-07:00

Rest In Peace Trav...

Travis Baumgardt (1986-2007)

Miranda Hancock's brother, Travis, died Friday morning at 21 years of age. Miranda got the chance to lead Travis to God prior to his death, so today my friends, he's enjoying sweet bliss, free from pain and that is something praiseworthy. I'm sorry I wasn't there when everything about me says I should've been. We'll see you again Travis, we'll see you again.

Bathtub Swimming

2007-02-16T13:34:00.000-07:00

I see that my heart is more like a Pharisee... and how shallow my love really is. It's quite humbling.

2007-02-08T12:08:00.000-07:00

Why do I believe what people tell me without raising a finger of question, but when the creator of the universe says something to me, I doubt it without hesitation?

Something Changed!

2007-02-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

So it's been awhile... We're already one month into the new year, only 11 more months left! I was thinking back on my January and wow... what a difficult month, in fact, even Feb is looking like it will be a difficult month. There's been so much happening, life is just constantly shifting around me.

About mid January I started to feel disconnected with everything. The foundations of my life began to shake and I didn't really feel like I had a firm place to put my feet on. (Obviously, God is the answer, but don't get all spiritual on me now!) To put it into words it's like feeling restless on a Sunday afternoon when you're so bored but don't know what to do with yourself. Or when you're trying to go to sleep and no matter what you do, you just can't. So you're tossing and turning until it becomes frustrating. That's how I've been feeling. Just wanting ...something... just not knowing what that 'something' is. So it was on this past Friday that life took about a 180 degree change...

My job began to get immensly boring because there just isn't enough work for a full 8.5 hours for me to do and I become feeling like a bad employee because I can't find work to do. Considering I don't really know where I want to be at the moment, I do know I have a few passions and how can I go wrong with pursuing those? I've always said I would rather work for little or no pay to be at a job I love being at, rather than work at a job I hate, making lots of money. Blatantly honest, I've never cared how much money I'll make compared to the condition of my heart at any working environment. It's just not even a question.

So I walked into my boss' office on Friday and spent nearly 10 minutes convicing him to switch me to part time and it didn't take much. Full time for me was a waste of his money and my time. So it was done! On Monday I walked in at 10am and left at 2pm and it felt great! I got some time to just do some things for me, spend some decent time with God and not feel like my day is a complete rush from one activity to the next.

It feels good to be able to breathe.. although, there's quite abit more going on that's changing than just this, but it's helping me once again practice trusting God.. and keeping my eyes on Him. It's scary though... coming to the top of a mountain and having no clue what's on the other side, how big, long, wide, tall, difficult, painful, loving, etc. There is no sense of knowledge of what's over the horizon and I'm not so sure I like that but I can say that I AM fully confident that God has His hand all over my life and He'll take me where I need to go.

3 Thoughts...

2007-01-18T18:51:00.001-07:00

Before I rant to anyone that might care, I would just like to say I created another blog. It'll be my wrirings, that way it ca be seperate from this one - it's in my links section, so you can visit that for your enjoyment if you'd like!

It amazes how a single word can mean nothing to one person, or it could mean everything to the next. Depending on what a particular word means to the individual... Depending on what you’ve walked through, how we all take in circumstance, and love. How we give it. How we have recieved it. Or how we haven’t recieved it. The only way we can understand each other is our own way in how we relate to each another. In a sense, we are all alone, but we are still all together. A simple word such as ‘mountain’ can mean nothing more than the amount of room on a page that the word takes up. But for others it can mean vast, huge, enormous, etc. Or it could mean pain, struggle, battle, etc. On the opposite side of the spectrum it could mean victory, overcoming, it could mean journey or remind you of a time in your life you faced something hard. Or it could just mean, ‘a big hill with lots of trees on it!’ Either way...one word has an impact on any given person. It can change the way you feel in a moment.. one, small, tiny word... which leads me to my next thought...

Interestingly enough that reminds me how people relate to one another. How nobody wants to be alone and agian, even what the word ‘alone’ means to you?
It intrigues me that we connect with others in ‘relation’. Relating brings people together and they don’t feel alone. Sometimes it’s healthy, sometimes it’s unhealthy. Of course we all know this, but as think through it, I personally find it fascinating! Don’t we have the people around us that we do because we ‘relate’ to them in some sort of way?

This last thought has nothing to do with the first two, really, but I thought I’d throw it in anyway...I do not have much pain from family or other such circumstances, although there’s probably bondage there I’m caught in that I don’t even know about… or from my past. I find it ironic how much our past determines our future. (If we let it...but some of it, we’ll never catch) Who we are, what we’ve done, what others have done to us, etc. Until we realize we have the power to alter what we do with what happens to us, that’s the way it seems to go. Yet what man (or woman) can truly master that? There’s only been one. I see how the one thing that hinders me and keeps me held and pinned down in my life, is not other people, is not even circumstance or obstalces. It is not death (thanks Jesus) it is not money or rescources, but it is me. It is my own heart, it is my own mind. I need freedom from myself…. I need a savior… from me…

Garbage Day

2007-01-15T17:31:00.000-07:00

The beauty of Christ is that of a beautiful sunrise in the dawn of a brand new day. The land stretches as far as the eye can see and the golden yellow arising from the hills is nearly blinding. It is soft and moves slow. It is gentle. But it holds a power which darkness ceases to remain. The clouds of the night begin to vanish, but first, the sun reflects its beauty off of those dark clouds, just to make its presence known. For the light is always there and is only but a matter of time before it shines. It is the light that is permanent, not the darkness. Its beauty gently and quietly fills the sky from the east to the west, with pink, orange, yellow and blue. I don’t know what you see when you look at a sunset or a sunrise but I see a masterpiece painted by a King. I see hope. I see that darkness has no power and authority over the light, for it is the light that decides when it will shine and when it will hide. Oh, I love how God put pieces of Himself in the very nature He created.

A sunset or sunrise holds an element, a characteristic of God in which is so real to me and in those clouds, in that sun, in that sky, I see Him like wind through a prairie; I can see the creation of a King. I can’t help but stare. I’d spend a whole day in that moment if I could freeze it. What you don’t know is the day before, God revealed a dirty, stained, black area in my heart that I never really saw much harm in its existence or realized what it’s effect actually had on me. He called it out; He showed me what I have inside. Ugly things that hurt to hear. Where I’m bound up by fear, by insecurity, where I struggle with wanting control in an area I have no control over at all. Where my struggle is not the issue or sin outwardly, or the people I interact with (Or don’t interact with) but the issue is completely on the inside. Where nobody can see. My love was called forth and I saw it fall short and my trust had landed shorter than I thought or hoped it would. Where I’m pinned down for the count of 3 by my own thoughts, my emotions, by everything rooted in evil and with this revealing, I felt hopeless. Those times where you’re so messed up, where you feel the heaviness and you feel defeated. Nobody can say a word to me in those times that picks me up, that sets free a captive mind. But my Jesus… is never exhausted by my neediness. His love is never thinned by any action I carry out. His words are gentle, His arms are big.. and warm. He graciously gives me the people around me that can handle my issues with a Christ-like love. Those people provided so I am not alone. So I can make it through these ugly issues. There can be pain with God’s love, but the pain is the uprooting of evil. The pain is necessary at times, and a beautiful part of healing. It is not forgotten, nor is it His fault. It is us… and this is a thank-you to a God who loves me (and you!) so much that He’ll call out the garbage in us, that wemight be free and enjoy life the way we're meant to!

Bring Forth the Brand New!

2007-01-10T16:20:00.000-07:00

A new year is like stepping outside on a brand new, summer morning, the birds singing, lush, fresh cut grass, green bushes and developed, powerful trees, the warmth of the sun on your face, and the bold, blue sky accented by that beautiful sunset or captivating sunrise! It’s like stopping before you take another step, taking in the kind of deep breath that feels like your lungs are about to explode, but you’ve got this sense of satisfaction of the fragrance; of the incense. Of all the sweet, summer smells.

It’s fresh, it’s brand new! 365 days for God to move, of dreams and ideas to birth and journey themselves into reality. I finished off the year of 06 with a sweet break and on Tuesday Jan 2nd was a harsh reality to go back to work feeling the way I did. I actually fell into this year with an internal struggle rather than a sense of freedom and excitement, but once I fought my way (with help, of course) through, the sun is shining and shining bright in the horizon sky just as it has always been there! I have wanted time to look back on 06 and walk through it in my mind and see all what God had done but it truly was an exciting and full year! For me, I believe…is just the beginning! As I asked myself if I was happy with 06 I could smile with the sense of inner peace and say ‘yes’… it truly was the best year I’ve ever had! The people, the quality, the teachings, the mountains, the hills, the valleys, the processes, everything I had learned and experienced, every gift given to me, every circumstance, I did not let 2006 waste away. With the brand new an element we face every day walking with an infinite God, I can now begin to look forward to this year. With 355 days left, there’s much to step forward with! I had thought what I would like to do or see happen this year, which there’s lots I want to do in regards to beginning to chase my own dreams and I’ve submitted it all to God and now it’s time to walk forward and watch it all unfold. New, new, new!

As for the intimate details, I think I’ll keep to myself, but they’re related with music and arts. Stuff on the inside of me I want to begin to chase after. It’s funny, the DC has declarations, which for me, they need to line up biblically, and whether you believe in declaring or not, I can’t deny the power of speaking words out… as I’ve seen the result of it. Positive fruit, I might add. This year is ‘Just Say No! (to fear, doubt and lack.)” When I read that, I had to laugh to myself and I can see God’s hand again in my life as I began this year and some of the changes I know that are coming my way, can be scary from time to time. And I know regardless of any fear over any circumstance I face this year, I’ll need to throw myself at it, with that fear most likely still present, principle being I can’t allow it to stop me from what’s inside of me. So here’s to 2007, make your list, set your goals (NOT resolutions) and see if you can submit yourself to an infinite God, to an abundant life and sit back and enjoy the ride! I’m honored to enjoy life with the people that are around me! My family, Dawn and my friends as well as everyone few and far between! Here we go! This year will be a year to make memories that will last a lifetime. Memories we won’t soon forget!

Thank God It's Friday

2006-12-19T17:44:00.000-07:00

Wow... what a week... I must say that this hasn't been the best week of 2006... Ever have those days or weeks where you don't seem to do anything right? Yeah... that's my week in a big, informal nutshell. My moods and patience has been up and down like a rollercoaster. I've been tired all week (which probably contributes to a good portion of my bad moods). I've seen a lot this week of myself that I don't like very much, from overthinking, to over-analyzing, to my sins, my faults, my stubborness, my disobedience, my failures. But in essence I look at 'failures' and they're really not failures at all, but mere learning experiences. I told God if He was testing me this week I didn't do so good... I'm looking forward to being off work for the next week and have a total of 10 days of not having to work and just relaxing with family and friends and loved ones. Ahh... this is much needed I must say. My excitment for it has been hindered by all the hardships amd that sucks. It's like riding a bike up hill until your legs are burning like hell and when you get to the top and you get off that bike you just want to collapse. I sorta feel like that. Maybe not that extreme, but you get the idea.

Oh well... It's Friday, and I just have to muscle my way through 8.5 hours of bordom (I mean, work) and it won't be long until I'm heading out the door at 7:30am tomorrow morning for Sherwood Park. It'll be the first time my family isn't together for Christmas which is crazy! I'm spending it with Dawn and we’ll be coming back midweek sometime! (Thank you Jesus...) There isn’t too much of a Christmas mood here because there’s no snow on the ground and some of these winter days feel more like spring than winter. (I love the warm sun!) Up north it will be more Christmasy!

If I don’t see you or talk to you in the next while, have a merry Christmas! Enjoy it, every moment of it, with what you have, the big blessings and the little blessings! Thanks Jesus for being born (although I don’t think it was actually around December but hey.. we've got to celebrate your birthday SOMETIME in the year) Issues aside from one another, count your blessings! This is a time for peace, love, family and many other traditions! Reflect with someone on this past year, what God has done for you, in you and through you! Reflect on how great He is and just how great this next year is going to be! We can be thankful that He's so much bigger than what we do or what we don't do... and that He's put people around us that love us through our worst of moments (which is hard for me to understand or feel worthy of) Either way, start dreaming and planning for 2007 to be the best year you’ve ever had! Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!

Issues of Today, Worries or Tomorrow - Sights Upright!

2006-12-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders? Ever loose hope in a sinful generation? Or people you admired let you down? Turned your head to look for hope and all you saw was pain and suffering? I don’t know about you, but once in awhile with me, the weight of the world pulls at me. You get in a mood and before you know it, all of the baggage, all of the sin, all of our lack of faith knocks at your door for a visit. Hope and trust seem to vanish and you begin looking at people and loosing hope wondering if anyone will ever see the light of day. Or perhaps you’re so caught up in dreams or desires that you forget where you are today? Stare at something long enough that is not of God and before long you’ll watch yourself loose focus, feel anxiety, possibly furthered by a lack of patience, confusion, or perhaps worry may even fall over you which, at times, results in a dried up soul sprawled out on the ground left wondering what just happend. Perhaps the problem started for before your whirwind of emotions set in? Perhaps they snuck in when your eyes were set so focused on that one thing (whatever it may be for you) that you didn’t have them on God and natural principles prove themselves once again? I’m seeing just how easy the weapons of the enemy or thrown at me when I loose sight for even what seems like a second, on the real goal. What we look at may not even be wrong but it can’t be first! It can’t be primary. I’m writting from experience - one of many thingst I’m walking through which seems to be a daily basis while I’m taken through a process of becoming more than a conquerer.

I find myself thinking too much about any given particular topic, whether it be dreams or desires, and so often my focus is caught up and I begin to feel anxiety. I feel my patience thinning sometimes, which can throw me into a loop of confusion and I’m beginning to see it’s that lack of focus on God which creates the mess. Interesting... When I look at God and focus my eyes on Him, watching Him, spending time with Him, the little issues fade away and I realize how small they are and how much they don’t matter. Even my dreams. God isn’t concerned about what I do so much as who I am and the relationship we have together.

I don’t know why I struggle so much with enjoying the moment. Today. What the day has. I’m scared of growing old and looking back on my life realizing I’ve lived in tomorrow. But that won’t happen because God’s obviously showing me something He wants to change and I can’t change anything in my life if I don’t see it first. Step 1. Thanks Father! I would like to think of myself as a person whose not discontent with what he has... Where do we find the balance where we’re told to be content with what we have, yet strive for more? Striving for Godly desires, not being content in that sense, but being content with our blessings. Or perhaps even with who we are as individuals. It’s an interesting journey to walk through and I’m sure it can be frustrating at times for those who help me through it (thanks for your patience!).

I’m walking through a process of learning.... on how to actually enjoy everything about the day I’m given, learning not to be so hard on myself, more on who I am in Christ, more about love, about God, learning strategies that overcome schemes of the enemy, so we don’t always have to run to God for help while we’re being beaten, but we can actually stand back up and reject it because God wants us to walk that way. These may just be words on a page to you but they are deeper revelations on top of previous revelations (some are new) for me.

Either way, with what I do or what I don’t do, who I am, who I’m not, what I want, what I don’t want, I’m deeply grateful and thankful that God loves me enough to work these out JUST because He loves me. Because He wants me to enjoy life on a newer level, because He wants to take me deeper with Him. What a blessing... what an honor, what a joy. I’m tired of the enemy stealing from me what is mine without me even realizing I’ve handed it over to Him. Yet God reveals and in that, I learn, then am given discernement and I can fight back. I can take my ground back, all by the convenant of a loving God who sent His only son, that I might have all of this and so much more.

Over Thinking & A Dash of Joy!

2006-12-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

How many times in life do you think we make things more complicated than they really are? I wonder if we could look through God's actual eyes for a moment (besides the fact we couldn't handle it) to see how He actually intended life to be. God is complex, yet simple at the same time. I think there's aspects of his mystery He wants to show us, but I don't think He ever intended for us to loose ourselves in the mystery and forget the simplicity of it. After all, there IS only 2 actual laws now (thanks to Jesus). Mark 12:28-31. How much more simplified can that get?

I know for myself I like thinking beneath the surface and it's just one of millions of gifts God grants us, but this seems to be one of my stronger parts and at the same time, one of my weaker points as it causes me to over think at times, which leads to confusion, and anxiety and before I know it, one of my strengths has been used against me to hinder me. That is clearly not the will of God.

I watched the inspiration of the movie 'Cars' at lunch today and did it ever speak a lot to me in those short 16 minutes. Here was a group of men that wanted to research some history before they made a movie so the information could be accurate. They traveled on Route 66 which I'm not highly educated on, but this road has a history to American people. Two watered down thoughts I had were: for one, how much more there is out there in life than the place I'm at now (which doesn't leave me discontent, it leaves me daring to dream). Secondly, the words the director spoke at the end were what hit me the most..It was something to this extent. " Life is like a road we travel and we never really know where we're going, but it's the journey we enjoy."

Which leads me to my next rebuke of myself. over thinking. Which causes clouded vision and hinders the ability to enjoy. It scares me to think I'll walk through life and one day as an old man and see that I wasted my entire life wishing for tomorrow when tomorrow never came and I forgot to live in the day I was in and enjoy it. It seems like such a waste to me. Tomorrow has its benefits, struggles, triumphs and thrills, but what about today? What about life just being simple, moving forward, loving God, loving others and 'enjoying' the day, enjoying the relationship you have with Him, and the people you have around you. If you looked at each day individually as if you weren’t promised the day tomorrow (because you’re not) perhaps we could have a completely different outlook on life? Perhaps we’d see how truly blessed you really are. This is more so for me to hear than anyone else and I’ll be reminding myself constantly, I can tell you that much, that being said, I’ll say this...

Don’t forget to ‘enjoy’ this holiday season.

A Little Piece of Heaven

2006-11-29T17:52:00.000-07:00

Christmas is in the air – life has shifted, the snow has fallen, and with it, change. It has brought peace, it has brought the presence of God.

I pulled up to Starbucks to get a nice, warm hot chocolate and greeted 4 people I knew in the few minutes I was in there. It felt like a family, it felt like home. It was warming. Jesus’ birthday is celebrated and with it seems to be an extra, special blessing He outpours that you just don’t feel throughout the rest of the year quite like this. I can write on how this should look for each and every person, but for some, the holiday will be a tragedy or a reminder in which it was destined to be, which I am remorseful and sorry for, yet the cause of Christ is far bigger than our pain. Is it not?

This week has been an eye opener of the little. The tiny. Small, small things I’m incredibly thankful for, thankful to tears. Spending time with a loved one(s), enjoying their essence and presence. The very element of who they are, and soaking up the minutes as they pass by. This is the rich, this is the quality, the standard of life which we can live by if only we’d ask. Family, significant others, or friends, it all depends on what this looks like or means to you, and if what means much to me brings pain to you, take yourself to what this holiday means to you or perhaps, ask God what this means to Him. Christmas music, decorated houses, beautifully lit up exteriors, white glistening snow. The warmth of a fire, the touch of a loved one. The smiles, the laughter, the atmosphere of peace. The blessing of the season is overwhelming, and in all our jaded views, twisted mindsets, if we can quiet ourselves for just a moment and hear the whisper of God in the midst. Take a moment out of this month, this season, if just for a second, just sit back and soak in your day, soak in the people for there is no guarantee for tomorrow. Allow God to meet with you and show you what there is, show you what you have. Count your blessings, and you’ll find the little things are the biggest blessings. The daily things. My words don’t do justice, and I could explain in detail the way I feel, but if you’ve felt it for yourself, experienced it for yourself, you’ll be at home with these words.

Father, I am thankful… to the utmost, to the deepest part of myself that I know. For what you’ve done for me, for what you’ve blessed me with. I am blown away by the greatness and the peace of God.

Be with your loved ones, cherish the memories, remember the root and the reason, remember how and why we can have these days to rejoice, through trials and tribulations, through joys and triumphs. That we could dance with the King in glory, together, as one. Perhaps this is a little taste of heaven. Remember these moments and if you don’t have them, ask for them with a humbled heart and receive! Be VERY blessed this Christmas season – live in this day and enjoy it!

Miscellaneous Thoughts

2006-11-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

Love is infinite. Yet, how well is it understood? How well do I understand it? How well do you understand it? The ultimate image has been set before us, but the mind doesn’t seem to comprehend, thus why it impacts over, and over again. If we could see a scale or a measure of the love we have, I wonder what that would look like in my life or yours. But since love is infinite, nobody would class anywhere on that scale because nobody’s love is infinite.

Times in life we can feel like we’ve got it all together, like we can see other people and their issues, struggles or problems and we don’t feel like we have any. But in time, flaws are revealed as (I believe) God wants to deal with them. But I see now just how many mistakes we make in one day. Just how ‘short’ we actually fall. How can you ever show anyone God’s love and any amount of depth to that if you haven’t seen it for yourself? If you haven’t needed a savior? That means you’ve got a few thorn bushes to walk through. At least for me, that statement holds truth. How can I see the extent of love if I feel that I’m worthy of it? It’s in those times you’re at your lowest of lows, rock bottom, naked, ashamed and unworthy, weighted and heavy, from issues, either what you’ve done or what you may have had happen to you. Everyone knows what pain feels like. I would fear for you if you hadn’t felt it before.

I’ve heard and read (and experienced) countless stories of someone (myself, included) who’s lost, corrupt and jaded, yet the love of God approaches and wants to take that away all because of love. It’s not until you experience it for yourself, in the shoes or bare feet of the naked soul, ashamed, weighted and burdened, distorted by life’s troubles, hurts and pains. It doesn’t necessarily mean your life has to walk through hell to see redemption but in same ways and some times… you do. Jesus did. Although, He walked through the worst so we don’t have to.

I find, at times, much knowledge in myself walking through certain circumstances but what good is knowledge without action? What good is knowledge over wisdom? I have a renewed understanding, if that’s safe to say, of how I need the strength of God in everything I do. To the extent that when I’m broken down, nothing left to offer or give, because I’m too weighted, too heavy, and God’s strength comes over me to help me ask him for help. I really am powerless. But once the word is applied with faith, it breeds life into the soul, that you never knew existed. Even reading these words can have no life or meaning to you but if you experience it for yourself… it’s life altering. If I learned about you or read about you, it doesn’t mean that I ‘know’ you, it just means I know ‘about’ you.

Think for a moment… that if God loves you as much as you believe He does or as much as He says He does… then… this entire world that He created (in only 7 days, mind you) and even if you look out your window to see what’s outside and let the beauty of nature get hold of you for the moment, you can feel something to it. Something in it. Chew on this…. That God made ALL of that, yet… loves you more. Values you more than the world he created. More than entire universe that he created. Just you. If nobody else existed on this planet but you, you would be the most prized possession – His best. In fact, right now, you ARE His best. His masterpiece. A work of art. That’s special, yet hard to understand. Especially because we’re not worth it. We don’t deserve that status. We don’t carry that worth. Nevertheless, we have it, through Christ, we have it. He made us, He called us worthy through His son, He loved us before He knew us, so therefore, our own opinions of each other and ourselves just don’t matter.

Writings...

2006-11-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

Cycle

Wind changes direction
the current of a sea alters its course
darkness awaits for light
the imprisoned envision the day of release
even a stubborn mans thoughts can change
support is not independent
words on the tip of a tongue
the human mind is a deep abyss
simple yet complex
beautiful yet mysterious
a rainbow marks a promise
desire is fire
and fire devours
illumination

Fragile

Hate the thought
Hate the feeling
Hate the sin
Hate the act
Intensity
Destruction; Havoc
Lies breed unfaithfulness
Trust is lost; broken; shattered
It is irreplaceable
What is vulnerable and beautiful
Now mistreated and abused
To betray is to bring death upon
Distraught
The heart is fragile
Ripped to shreds
Tiny pieces
Handle with Care

Aspiration

It is the deepest connection
A masterpiece of art
A beautiful sunset sky
A mirrored image of love, itself
An expression
A celebration
Sea of mystery
Oceans unexplored
Profound beauty
Astonishing
Intimate journey

Chuck Norris = Out of this World!

2006-10-24T17:52:00.000-06:00

Chuck Norris' toilet paper

23 Years Ago...

2006-10-18T09:08:00.000-06:00

So today's the big day I suppose! I always enjoy the feeling of the birthday, it just feels blessed! Friends and family make it even better. I even find that God gives out birthday gifts, which is funny, because nobody's gifts can match His, lol! But the power of family and friends granted by God is huge though! It's days like today that you feel so blessed by those who love you! Just the thought of someone saying to me 'Happy Birthday Josh!' blesses me far more than you would think. I don't need gifts, I don't need much, it's just the acknowledgment that blesses me to the core! It's only 9:00am and I've been blessed already in many ways and I've only been up for 2 hours! Thanks so much for friends and family God, thanks so much for you! Today will be a warm and beautiful day and I feel like that's for me as the weather the past couple days hasn't been so great, and I'm blessed by that, alone! Friends and family will bless and I'm thankful, and I'm especially deeply thankful and grateful for Dawn, who impacts me far more than she knows, and I KNOW she's a Godsend in my life.... no one could convince me otherwise, so thank you to you, I pray I can give you what you need and hope that I can exceed that and give you more! I pray and hope that I could love you more than you would have ever expected; love you the way you deserve to be loved... love the way God intends, which is intense; which is infinite! ...and to see what possibly lies in store together! I love my family, I love my friends and Dawn, I love you so much! Thanks everyone, for everything!

Enter the Miscellaneous...

2006-10-17T13:05:00.000-06:00

How is it we can have can hope for someone else’s circumstance, yet have no hope for ourselves?
How is it we can love others but cannot love ourselves?
How often are we so lost and wrapped up in the element of our own mind, our own reality, our ‘world’, that we forget about those principles we claim we want to live our lives by?
I hate feeling so contained in my actions, in my thoughts, in my heart. The heart wants to move towards a goal, my body wants to move away from the goal. How funny it is to suffer from yourself, a mix match of your own desires, the Godly or ungodly, there’s a cost either way.
How often does one feel like quitting because of what they lack?
How often are we frustrated by what we cannot do compared to what we CAN do?
How often do we compare ourselves to someone who is exceedingly better?
How often do we compare ourselves to someone who is exceedingly WORSE?
How frustrating it is to hear the thoughts in the mind and it feels like you can never rid them, and when you do, it’s not long before they come back?
If our battles in life are primarily spiritual, my secondary, more than anything, is not quarrel with people, but quarrel with myself, in my mind.
How often does hope fade? How often do I forget the power of God?
How often are we weighted and heavy? What do we carry that we foolishly won’t give up for one reason or another?
Why am I so selfish?

Why do I lay in my bed at night in the darkness with tears streaming down my face, trying not to be heard by anybody, crying out to God for help, telling him what my I truly desire, but it seems like no matter what I do, I cannot achieve the goals before me?
How often do we trap ourselves within our own confusion?
How often do we imprison ourselves?
How often do we withhold encouragement from each other? A simple word can change a life forever.
How foolish, lost and broken we are on our own?
How often I hate being human – yet…how often I just want to be.
Sometimes I don’t want to be strong, sometimes I don’t want to fight anymore, strength is gone. Sometimes I just want to let go and feel light as air. To be held instead of hold. Held by a King. Be lifted up in a golden field, high in the sky, arms out wide, eyes closed, warmth on my face, serenaded by the warm wind
Can I just be raw? Can I just be real? Can I just be see-through without looking like I’m giving up?
How often do you feel the pressure to do what you don’t have the strength do to?
How often do you feel the pressure to be who you’re not meant to be?
I cannot understand the love of God and I’ve walked underneath it my entire life.
How often do we see a gapping hole in the ground and have the curiosity to seek it out, only to find that we cannot get back up?
There’s a difference between stumbling and walking into your own mess – how often do you willfully walk into a dead hole?
How does one defeat a struggle they so desperately want to beat?
How is a process enjoyable? How does one not underestimate the power of the journey.
Why are we so discontent?

I don’t understand how corruption is beautiful in your eyes
I don’t understand why you’d want this when it fails you so frequently
I don’t understand why you send love when I send rejection
I don’t understand why I don’t do what I know I need to do
Choice is yours, but we are easily persuaded
I don’t understand why I run from you when I need you the most
I don’t understand why I’m so hard on myself yet not that hard on others
Grace isn’t always so hard to extend, but when it’s me, grace is close to extinction
With so much to do, and so many places to make mistakes, one almost doesn’t even want to stand up off the ground
Oh how fear stops us from attaining what we truly want
Pull me out of the hopelessness
How is it that I want a rest from you when you are rest... when you provide it? How foolish of me
I run from your comfort to the comfort or someone else’s, but not to spite you.
I cannot do what I want to do, I cannot achieve goals I want to achieve
I cannot step out when I’m longing to do so
Meant to use gifts I know are inside me, not necessarily read yet, but they’re there. Yet when I’m the environment to use them I am silenced. They feel insignificant. Powerless. Potential seems to have departed.

Walk along a narrow path with infinite matters to divert your attention and pull you off track. It seems impossible to advance with the odds resting so highly in the favor of death
How often we struggle, look at each other with a smile on our faces while our hearts inside are on the brink of bursting into tears
We ask each other ‘how are you’ but how many truly care? And if they did, would you know?
It’s hard to look forward with hope when all evil, discouragement and filth fill the air, completely cloud over the vision of the beautiful view I once had. Yet not all hope is gone, but faded. The sun never steps shinning, even on a cloudy day. Don’t ever forget the sun never stops shinning. Darkness comes and goes, but light will always be.
In a world so full of despair it’s hard to see clearly, it’s hard to hold on, but it can be done, even with the fragile amount of faith, hope and love that we do have…
Forgive me for my lack of faith, forgive me for my doubt, forgive me for condemning your beautiful creations…

Thank God for Jesus!

2006-10-06T08:56:00.000-06:00

…and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

Romans 17-25 (The Message)

mmm.. well put. Happy Thanksgiving! I’m glad there’s a day where we can just ‘be thankful’ for what we have… What a great idea! Enjoy this weekend with family and friends, and be incredibly thankful!

Appraisal

2006-10-03T15:40:00.000-06:00

Heello! I just want people to not feel like they need to encourage me in the comment section on this, everything's okay! I promise! I just didn't want someone to pour themselves out while everything's all good and I don't feel a 'need' for encouragement.. does that make sense? Just trust me, everything's good! I just had a rough afternoon one day and I know other people feel like this at times - so just enjoy!

Why does it seem that we are alone?
If this is your way, why has it taken so long to release?
Raise a question
Per-pose an answer
How can I deny healthy fruit from a discolored tree?

For the moment my rock is missing
Face the simple truth
We are all corrupt – our vision is tainted
I’m left in the middle of a park
Nobody else around
I just got off the merry-go-round and
I don’t feel so merry

Question the belief
Question the ground you stand on
Question everything you ever knew as ‘right’
Question what you do and why you do it

Challenge the health of your belief
How solid you will stand once the storm has passed and you know

Should I run from imperfection?
Shall I not look at the fruit?
Is there this much religion in the world, we rise amongst ourselves?
Is it wrong in life to ‘do well’?
Am I really that distorted from what ‘truth’ is all about?
Is joy an illusion?
Is it really unattainable?
Are you speaking life or death over me?

Will you follow what you knew?
You’ve been challenged in your thinking,
In your direction; in your motive
In your experience
How can revelation be defined?
I am no fool.
Can I be so bold or daring?
As to challenge with the words, ‘watch me’?
I’ll go before you, I’ll test the waters
I am not afraid of its temperature

If I see distortion among many
Who am I to believe that I am any different?

How do I use an analytical mind?
Is simplicity the answer?
Complexity confuses
Can you not put your trust in the hands of the Almighty
to not lead you into the hands of deception and mental imprisonment?

Does my hunger not lead to your feet?
Do these challenges not contradict your written word?
Do I lack the wisdom?
It is unclear; trust and respect gives way
What is wisdom in your eyes?
Shall I heed or flee the spoken words?
My thoughts dive into the depth of my own mind.
Discernment has vanished

There is only one who can see clearly.
In Him I place my trust not to lead me to forsaken lands.
“There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end, leads to death”
May I never again be an example of death
I will push onward towards my King,
For His word says the seeker will find.
I will find, I will stand firm and hold on,
I will push forward and may no man bring me down,
Regardless of his or her beliefs.
My God reigns – end of story
Some truths cannot be shaken

One Portion; Twenty-four Hours

2006-09-27T15:33:00.000-06:00

Stillness of a white, winter day
All is steady; all is quiet
Within the blink of an eye
A shift in the earth
Snow’s rushing down the mountain side
like ocean waves crashing against the rocky shore
It devours, allowing nothing to stand in its way
it is unforgiving

Peace walks out the door into the morning of a brand new day
Sunshine fills the earth; through the trees; a radiant glow
Jump in the car, drive to work
Share the road with a million other rats in a race
Human nature over-rides
Alter your state of mind
foolishness, arrogance
the over cautious are as dangerous as the daring
Drive downhill for the day instead

Can you feel the holes in His hands?
Will you trust the kiss of encouragement?
will the brush sustain you?
Do you trust?

Cut the locks of long hair
Decay in a grave of a rotting corpse
Lost the tug of war
Happy to sad
Peace to frustration
Agitation

exclamation

Hiking through the mountains, in the wild of the nature; alone
He plans his course; his destination
Trails of doubt reveal themselves
Have you lost your way?
Did you neglect detail?
Question yourself; search inside

She lays on her tear-soaked pillow
He’s not the man he used to be
Where have we gone wrong?
The door is cracked from the day he left
She wonders if he’ll ever come home
Home to his love

Adventurous, wild young hearts
Stride toward a marked out goal
Imagination, anticipation
Then with tainted time
They are jaded and faded

The business man stares out his thirtieth floor window
Look at the world below
Lost in thought
Cars driving, people walking
Thousands upon thousands
Forced to mingle, yet nobody speaks
Yours is yours, mine is mine
A perfect world of strangers
Interrupted thoughts
Time counts down, each second is lost
So much to do, so little time.

Blissful Blooming; Sought-after Treasure

2006-09-25T22:21:00.000-06:00

Bathe in the deep ocean of your heart, and reality is soon to follow
Arousing denied access
Shadow the mind
Veil the heart
Tame it; control it
Bloom b - l - i - s - s in its prosperous moment;
In its divine appointment

The mind is a dangerous playground
The mind is beautiful

Captivation; control

Victory is the freshly paved road before me
Fully equipped
attainable example
Fill the void of hope of the little ones
possibility is proven

Wisdom will guide,
It will sustain
Question your depth of love

Die to the flesh a painful, glorious death
Time to take hold
Time to stand up
Sacrifice for the pleasure of the Father
For love
for respect
for those whom you do not know
for those who will need to see;
the way its meant to be

Proccess to Success

2006-09-23T22:22:00.000-06:00

Piece together a broken puzzle
Voices whisper from every direction
Just when you want them to stop,
The loudest one speaks, yet, softly
Try and throw confusion my way
Attempted murder

Tell me I’m not hearing straight; tell me its all lies.
Tell me what truth has ever come from your t-a-i-n-t-e-d lips?
Every spoken word weighs down a soaring soul.
They’ll break off, I’ll run free.
Hold onto truth; onto the faith
Believe in a L O V E beyond very own knowledge
I’ve felt it

Plagued by desire to search and find.
Mention to me the risk; tell me my failures.
For failure is not failure at all.
I t i s now extinct
Process to success
Consequences surface
shut the door with the m o n s t e r behind it

Step out to see if your foot will find solid ground before you plunge
Believe in the unseen

Lead a blind man,
let go of the hand, withdraw all support
let his hands search for yours
whisper, ‘T a k e t h e s t e p.’
Eyes witness trust
‘Where have you gone?’
‘I’m right beside you’
His eyes never left you for one moment;
Your very presence illuminated the smile on His face
like a father watching His baby take his first step.
He delights in you, He delights in me

You cannot mock
you cannot take away
your words will die with you
to your filthy, damned grave.
I refuse your words; I refuse you.
Question the very conversation
you’re not even worth the time it takes
to move the muscles in my body
to turn around and look at you
Eyes straight forward,
I am setup for s u c c e s s
You lie
yet confirm the truth I seek after.
I was not created for defeat.
I move away from you
onward to home

Sacrifices; Faith Builders

2006-09-19T22:15:00.000-06:00

Doubt infects my mind. I battle back and forth, struggling. I feel the weight of a request. “I want to be sure without a doubt it’s you before I make a move”. Yet, sometimes He wants us to take a step without facts or reasoning. Should I obey or turn away? I’m torn between two truths in that moment. I don’t want to hear these words. I don’t want to give THAT up. I’m brought to tears with a request which leads me to a sacrifice I have never made before; my personal treasure. Yet inside my heart, I know there's more than God ‘just testing my obedience.’

Sacrifice;
-The surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.
-The thing so surrendered or devoted.

I can hear the whisper of a fool, ‘You don’t have to obey God’, ‘nothing is going to happen’. Nothing will happen without faith, that much is true. But if I know God calls, God has His reasons. Either way, He wants to move and I believe that through faith. In finding direction, it would seem that the confirmation I asked for is confirmed by the very attempt of the enemy to discourage and de-rail me. On the other hand, my request of confirmation proves my immaturity in my faith which stings, but hey... it's okay to be me, right where I'm at.

How can I say I want to go further with God; how can I say ‘I want you number one in my life’ and when you test me to see if you ARE number one in my life, I back away because of what I want? I can’t imagine how Abraham felt…who was led to kill his only son, and got all the way up the hill, laid him on the alter and held the knife high and an angel appeared and said ‘stop’. (Genesis 22:1-19) It was a test, and He was willing.

I’m taken back to a point in my life where God asked me to let go of something that I found it extremely hard to let go of. My grip was tight – I thought I had what I wanted. I was so blind and I don’t know why. I ran into a situation so quickly, everything beside me, danger signs on the side of the highway, blurred right past me. I couldn’t see straight. God told me to let go and I had hoped He would give back what He wanted to take. I trusted, finally, after struggling a lot with it, but I gave it up and He never gave THAT back, but He DID give me something back in return, sooner than I thought, and a gift that I never saw coming, a gift I couldn’t have imagined. He has His reasoning, which He doesn’t tell us a lot of the time. He just wants obedience… Afterall, faith pleases God. (Hebrews 11:6)

We know the procedure isn’t always fun or enjoyable. When He operates on the heart, it’s faith that is required to believe He’s doing a good work. The procedure is uncomfortable and can be quite painful for the time being. Yet, when this surgeon is done, the process of pain and agony is worth it. Worth every bit. Because this surgeon doesn’t make mistakes. Romans 8:28 falls into play once more.

How often does God ask us to do something that would result in sacrifice? A sacrifice is clearly something that would cost us something. A true sacrifice wouldn’t be easy to give. This didn’t hit home for me until I felt God ask for something of value of me. Something I strongly desire, yet hesitant to ask Him for His opinion. But I do because I once said, ‘I want to live for you, completely. I want you in every area of my life.” And when you full-well mean it…the time comes to put your money where your mouth is. It’s time for ME to put my money where MY mouth is. When God starts speaking to those areas you’re not so willing to let Him in on. When He starts walking towards them, He tests our true desire. If I can sacrifice what means most to me in life, and give it to God and do as He asks, does that not show Him and myself that I truly love Him and would truly will give up anything for Him because I am devoted?

I am reminded that I am the only thing in life that holds me back from my own blessing, is me. The more I say ‘no’, the more I rob myself from my own blessing. After all, the gift of choice is mine and He loves us far too much to take that away, but my choices today affect my tomorrow.

What do we do if God asks for a sacrifice…a prized, valued and cherished possession…?

Bottom line: He’s a good God, and doesn’t want to ruin our lives. He’s full of compassion and mercy! (James 5:11) His thoughts are far above our own – our minds cannot comprehend the ideas of the Most High. (Isaiah 55:8-9) He’s good and I trust that. I’ve seen that to be true time and time again. He’s setting me up for something; I think it’s safe to say that. Who knows? Why guess what God will do or why He’ll do it? Just hear the voice and listen, whether you like it or not. I can say this though: there’s NO ONE else I’d do this for – that’s for sure… NO ONE…

Deedless Faith; a Rotting Corpse

2006-09-15T12:15:00.000-06:00

“What would you like me to read anything in particular?”
“James”
*Josh flips to James*
“2”

So…God takes me to read James 2 and I fall upon ‘Faith and Deeds’. …You know what it’s like when a little child is sitting down in a chair, undergoing what seems to be the worst moment in history, progressively getting worse? You’ve just done something wrong and now it’s time for a little chat. Time for a good, stern lecture by mummy or daddy. See like Puss N’ Boots there, you got those big, beady eyes. You’re humbled in that moment, and it’s like I could feel myself slowly slipping further and further down my chair as I read into this ‘faith and deeds’ scripture. Everybody needs a good rebuking, I say!

I felt convicted… in my own personal walk with God I would be confident in saying I have faith that God can do anything, but my faith comes into question when I ask myself if God WILL do it. Yet I full well know there’s nothing He can’t do. Make sense? Yet…when I’m in a situation that allows me to put my so called ‘faith’ into action, I stand to the side and second guess myself with all the well known doubts; “This would be REALLY awkward for me AND that person if I stepped out right now”, “What if it doesn’t work, what if God doesn’t heal?”, “What if this is just me and this isn’t God speaking to me at all?”, “I’ll embarrass myself and it’ll look like God is being mocked”, “What if I look like an absolute retard?” You know the typical and usual thoughts you get; the doubt? It’s in those moments our faith is truly tested. Boldness stepped out the back door and it’s like people are pushing you behind as if you were about to go onto a stage with hundreds of people watching you as well as a big, ridiculously bright spotlight is shinning in your eyes, blinding you and you can’t even see – but you know they’re there. You try every excuse and even physically resist; anything you’ve got, to try and convince them NOT to throw you out there. You want to remain in the shadow and you completely forget about what you stood upon. You completely forgot about that prayer you said in that quiet place, some time ago, “God, use me.”, “God, work through me”. So here He is, to use you, and that faith you claimed you had is challenged and I failed. I’ve failed countless times.

“As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.” James 2:26

Ouch. Rub a cheek cos that one stung a bit. The reality of the matter is, it was a heart check for me. I believe God wants to use me in the ways I’m longing to be used. In the ways He’s longing to use me. Yet my deedless faith is holding me back. I couldn’t help but get alone after reading that and repent. I felt convicted. God’s good ol’ conviction. I prayed for boldness, prayed for help that I could step out. I asked for God to help me put my faith into deeds. To prove I have faith. But what I don’t have I can attain through the Father. I prayed for more faith, that I can attain what I need to, to be able to step out and TRUST. I can’t get to that point without Him and He knows this far better than I. This hit home for me, and I think for many of us, especially in this ‘great’ North American culture. Yet I won’t turn this around and question you... this was definitely for me and I felt like sharing. I’m thankful for God’s discipline, for His correction. How beautiful that is, and how He has the grace to give me situations and if I fail, He’s gracious and will teach me and get me to the place He wants me to be and the place I want to be. The place he’s laid in my heart He’s not even angered by my failure or lack of faith. The reality of it is sad though, because someone may have been able to see Jesus if I was only obedient. I was selfish and thought about ‘what am I going to look like?’ Yet, there’s no where to go but straight ahead. God knows the heart, and I believe if the heart is right, God can move freely to bring everything else into place so His will is brought forth. Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work I go…

Victoriously Setup for Victory!

2006-09-13T22:38:00.000-06:00

I have an idea to ponder; a thought to share…
We people can count on certain events taking place in life, mostly on a day to day basis. We can expect to feel happiness, excitement, joy, & pleasures of all kinds. We can expect to feel despair, anger, sadness and pain, on the other hand, as well. Life is a mix match of emotions and experiences. Could you imagine all of the emotions of every single person all across the globe – If for one second, time froze and all those emotions could be captured for one moment? Overwhelming… yet there’s someone who can handle it all and doesn’t even require one moment for rest.

Truth is, life is great to me, even with all the garbage. Judge me, shun me, hate me, love me for the blessing over my life, besides the fact that you’re really not so different from me... are you? Thought: If I can just look past the garbage in life; if I can just see the bigger picture… I can pull anything and everything from a bad situation to make it 'good', should I choose to accept it. If “the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world” (1 John 4:4) is true, then my theory or attitude, should be sustained should it not? See, regardless of what you or I believe, if the bible stands as ‘truth’ (and it most certainly does) then regardless of my mood being good or bad, truth still remains and therefore my attitude is the only thing that shifts if I rely and stand strong on my known truth - The word of God.

Truth: “For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. (1 John 5:4-5)

I really will overcome anything and everything that comes my way because Jesus said I could. If He overcame the world and lives in me, I can overcome anything and everything because He did for me already. SO profound! I really can live life, be happy – be truly happy, have fun, enjoy it, and when the rough times are there, I can take courage and faith and I can soak up everything good from those ‘bad’ experiences and apply them to my life that I might have more wisdom, experience and insight. That my attitude aside from what God can do, (and will do) can change the outcome of any given situation, completely. That out of those situations, I may help someone else down the road with what I’ve been through. That I might share my life. Just the fact of the idea alone of what I can bring out of a bad situation, changes the outcome before it’s ever happened.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

We, as God’s children are setup for victory, day to day, moment for moment. Hard times come? Yes, it says they will, and we know they will, but when they do, it’s our choice to stand on truth and to walk through with an attitude of victory, even if we don’t feel victorious – we will be. If we just choose to be victorious first. I speak even unto myself, and in those times I might even have to look back on this and read it for myself, apply and stand on scripture when all else seems to be failing or falling apart. When my vision is clouded. Yet has God’s word ever depreciated? Has it ever been broken? It’s a rock to stand on that we know will never crack or be moved. Nobody’s touchin’ this thing and we can lean on that forever. “Yeah, but you don’t know what I’m going through…” please… I’m human, I face my own trials, I’m no more of a mortal being than you are – don’t tell me I don’t know what it’s like to feel pain, don’t tell me I don’t know what it’s like to want to give up – to feel numb from everything and everyone around you. Been there, done that. I stand on my truth, and I’ll die with that it if I have to.

Brothers and sisters, take courage, push on forward, whether you’re rejoicing for today or wishing today was over and hoping for a better tomorrow, it is only a season and will not last forever and YOU are meant to overcome! You have been setup for victory! The last factor lies within you – and your choice to stand or be altered by emotion and a circumstance.

Transition 101

2006-09-08T19:10:00.000-06:00

Soooo it has been an interesting week for moi. I could write an entire blog about being sick but I think I’ll spare you…. To make a long story short, I went to the doctors office again for a visit, which turned out sending me to get my blood taken, and an ultra sound (no, I’m not pregnant, don’t worry about it) and it turns out, I have mono, but not JUST mono.. the worst case he’s seen in 10 years! Yay for me! The good ol’ kissing disease.. so that means I shouldn’t share a drink with anyone anymore… and I guess the secrets out.. I kissed her okay?! It’s true! I have been blessed though, because I don’t think this has really been as bad as it could’ve been…

I remember reading a blog Dawn had written some time ago, about all the little things that make life great. I do have to agree that the little things in life really do so much more than the big things. We are so blessed in this country with the health care system we have. God wanted me to appreciate that I think, and I sure do, and I only got a taste of it, but I’m thankful for people who actually cared about my situation. I’m thankful for all the crap these nurses/doctors, etc have to go through just to deal with the public that might not even care about them and/or their sacrifices. To deal with people that might never be appreciative for what they have done just to help them but I tell you, I sure am! (hear my heart… not everyone will be unthankful, but they’re out there) I’m thankful I can visit the doctor, use their expensive machines, have people help me that actually know what they’re doing, take up their time, get blood tests and never have to bring out my wallet to pay a cent. Alberta Health Care takes care of that and I just pay what I would deem as a small amount, every 3 months. I’m totally fine with that! Thank you Jesus for this blessing!

I got a lot of thoughts/realizations these past 2 weeks and had some good conversations with God as well! He really does want to have conversations with us on a daily basis! It’s great! You sure feel closer! I got to experience an entire evening last night in utter peace. It was beautiful!

I am seeing some of my friends who seem dead, are beginning to move an arm or a leg and I am excited and moved! I’m beginning to get excited for what God will do this fall! I’m so thankful for God, who is in control of all things - when all can sometimes seem to fail or fall around you, when you feel like you’ve got nothing to look forward to, you can just praise God for how good He is, despite your situation; despite what happens to you. That you can just taste how good He is and know better is on the way because He is a God of new! It’s not like summer is over and God is sayin, ‘sorry kids, that’s all I had, you’ll have to suck up these next 4 months until I can think of something better.’ No, He’s far better than that!

I’m excited to learn more about God this fall and winter, and to practice what I learn and I get to love on people! I get to let God teach me how to be a better leader, a better friend, teach me how to love people better, teach me how to sacrifice, teach me how to be a better follower! Show me on the road of being a bond servant, just how that’s done. Getting my heart where He needs it to be before He can take me where He wants me to go! I’m excited for God to move in those lives that are closest to me, and I’ll pray and support them! Excited to see God move in ministries and just all over, in this town and every other town Christians are willing to say ‘yes Lord!’ Wherever they are saying ‘yes’, is where God is going to move! So I want to be a part of it and not sit on the sidelines! This is the pathway to the abundant life in which we do not deserve, but have access to through Jesus’ brutal death which at times, I forget, and others I stop to re-live it and let his death sink in and it still blows me away (as it rightfully should). Brothers and sisters, march forward into what God has for YOU this last leg of 2006 - what will you do to make it memorable? Because for me, this really has been the best year of my life, and I can honestly say that. The best part is, my life is just getting started!! It will only get better from here! Even with anything ‘bad’ that happens, I’ll recite Romans 8:28 to the grave – we can’t fail!! Yes, it does feel SO good to be a part of the winning team! Let it be so!

Isn't Mickey SO cute?!

2006-09-01T14:26:00.000-06:00

So the long weekend has arrived! *praise God!* This week hasn’t actually been all that bad now that I look back on it…it DID have it’s rough moments though, don’t get me wrong. The hardest days are over and I’m definitely glad about that. I’ve had my challenges, ups and downs though.. wow… that transition we (ENR Staff 06) talked about during Staff Debrief didn’t really hit me until Sunday evening - Monday morning, in which was by far, the worst feeling I’ve felt/day I’ve had, in a long time. But I knew it would pass and that brought a little amount of peace. But some, nonetheless.
God’s been speaking to me all week, being gentle, loving on me, letting me feel His grace and peace in a moment here or a moment there. Encouraging me all throughout this most interesting process and I’m really blessed by that! Thanks dad!
So I just happen to be takin’ off to Sherwood Park for the long weekend to go see Dawn and her family. Yes yes, I know, you’re saying, “you’re going already??? That’s lame” … Well… I’ll have you know that first off, it’s a LONG weekend – hello?¿? Give yer head a shake! Need I say more about that?! Secondly, everything that could make both of us busy is starting within the next 2 weeks so yuh just never know when you can visit next… Call me a suck, but I’ll take what I can when it comes to ‘time’. I know that anyone in a relationship (that they actually loved being in) wouldn’t blame me, so if the singles do, I really couldn’t care any less! =:D (I say that with the biggest, most uncompassionate smile I’ve got, lol!) (because it’s true…)
If anyone has any exciting weekend plans, post em in my comments. If I can’t read them before I leave, I can always see what you did when I get back! Anyways, keep fit, and have fun!

P.S. and while your at it, give 3 cheers for hives! Am I serious? Heck yes, I am! Seriously, go for it, scream it as loud as you can – I will, but I’m at work in the back and for the front guys to hear 3 cheers from the back would be a little weird, loud and obnoxious… ooooooohhhhh I should do it! I will in the car on the way up – I’ll entertain my angels. Anyways, as you read it… GO!!

*Hip, hip, HORRAY! Hip, hip, HORRAY! Hip, hip, HORRAY!*

And for the last tid bit of information I’ve got, I say this;

If you’re healthy, praise God for it… and if you're not? Praise him anyway! Seriously, because that’s the only reason why you’re not sick. Besides, God wants you to talk to em’ anyway, so go ahead, say thanks! Some of you readers probably haven’t talked to Him in a long time too, I bet. Try it! It’s really not that hard!

Be blessed guys! ...I know I will be ;)

Stretch Me!

2006-08-29T16:57:00.000-06:00

Here we are, with a more specific update on what God did in me this summer. I’ll cut down on specifics so I can keep the detail for myself and so I don’t bore you who read this.
This summer was a summer of stretching and learning through a never done before experience for me. Everything was new a fresh – and I mean, everything…
I really learned a lot from the leadership with Pastor Landen and Dave…. Those are two men of God who showed me so much throughout those 8 weeks. That ranch is full of excellence and it showed me a higher standard of living. Seeing how to submit and serve for a greater purpose. Whether you’re serving unclogging a toilet or setting up tables… it was a beautiful mirrored image of how the body of Christ works.
I really saw in a physical reality, how God strengthens a weak spirit by giving genuine praise and worship. So many times and a few select when I felt like I was running on fumes, a small amount of solid time with God would completely bring me back on track. I now have a greater understanding of true, mind, body and spirit worship. Spirit lead worship. A greater understanding of praising in your circumstance, you praise God anyway, and when it’s TRUE, it shakes the spirit realm like you wouldn’t believe.
My understanding of being ‘spirit-lead’ had furthered. There’s times where I felt dry and run down and you’re still able to do your job, but in that state, you can’t do it with ‘excellence’. And a job isn’t worth doing if it isn’t done right. Only through God, did I find that I could achieve excellence.
Dating… It’s hard on a relationship when you’re told you have to act as friends. It was actually very difficult to do that week after week and have so much happen in one day and not enough time to talk about it all, which I love to do. It was so worth it though, because we grew together so much.
I’ve got further understanding and revelation on hearing the voice of God – still struggle with it at times, and it’s frustrating, but in time.
Your patience sure gets tested and stretched and requires you to lean on God for strength, because of other people, the campers, their baggage, etc
I saw some of my passions surface and light was shed on some of them. 2 that came to mind I could easily see were women rising up in their beauty, being all who God meant for them to be and for the young men to rise up in their strength and rightful role of a true ‘man’. To be the men they’re destined to be. To see people set free from the captivity over their lives. God deserves so much praise, but even that being said, there’s so much more in life I want to see God do – so I’m completely wowed to a loss of breath and short of words.
I wanted to see each kid give God a try because I know God was just waiting for them to. It breaks you, when you see them give that one try and God moves. Powerfully.
I was stretched to be have more boldness in words, which is also a continuing process.
God spoke some things through pastor landen and dennis weidrick – I’ll never forget what they spoke over me.
I learned how God doesn’t share His glory with any flesh. That means all the work we did out there cannot be accounted for to put a trophy on our mantels. God did the work through us, and that’s the bottom line. It feels great and an honor to be used by God, but at the same time the reality kind’ve sucked because it made you feel like you weren’t needed. In which case for God...is true…. We’re not needed, just wanted. God doesn’t need us, which sucks, but is true – rather humbling if you think about it.
I never really saw the full extent and affect of worship and praise. Praising without music, just voices only was interesting to learn.
It was a summer of sacrifices, submission even when you didn’t quite like it. But I must say, this summer was everything and more of what I wanted. For that, I’m thankful. The bonus fact I got to walk through the whole summer with Dawn at my side completely accented the summer! I’ve been thankful for tears for all of it. Every part.

Enter the New Season

2006-08-27T22:09:00.000-06:00

Greetings!
There's simply FAR too much to write about that has happened this summer. ENR was absolutely amazing! I had wanted a challenge this summer and I got exactly that. I was stretched and filled and I want to keep this - I want to maintain what i've been taught and I will. Re-entering back into the norm is actually harder than I thought, in different ways...I rarely have a hard time saying goodbye to people but it was very hard for me to say bye to the girl you've spend the past 2 months with, getting to know... It's hard coming back wanting something to be excited about and that only 'something' is God which you need your trust in Him for. He's not about the old - I believe He's got bigger and better till the day you die. He's infinite and infinitely creative so this fall is a new leg of the race in which I have an idea of what I'll be getting involved in, and just diving in, learning more about God and further that relationship as well as another signifigant other ;) I want to write 'it's good to be home' but I'm honestly just a little restless with that. Tired and restless. Give yourself time to transition. Other than these blurbs I'm really quite speechless. This year has honestly been the best year of my life as it should be - and next year should be even better. This summer has been, by far, the best summer of my life - and I can honestly, truthfully, whole heartidly say that... Looking forward to seeing God top this and I'm already looking forward for when I can head up to Edmonton next! Take care!

Out of Office!

2006-06-21T18:30:00.000-06:00

Good day! Well, as most people would have known I'm off to the ranch tomorrow for 2 months. We'll be back in on weekends but there won't be much time for anything as we're required to be back out at the ranch Sunday by 1 pm. Sooooo things will be a tad bit busy - but I'm greatly looking forward to what God is going to do in and through my life out there. So if you could, could you pray for all us staff, a protective covering, for wisdom and revelation, for strength, for anything you feel lead to pray - we all really need it and as you pray I'd pray for God to bless you too. Here's to the summer of 2006, God's gonna roxors our soxors!! Thanks, blessings and we'll see you all soon!!

P.S. Like the pic? *here's to lookin' at you, kid!*

How Often...

2006-06-15T17:53:00.000-06:00

Some thoughts came to mind, birthed from music and 'feeling' of a day. Wanted to share.

How often…

…do I loose sight of you?
…am I distracted, that my eyes wander to catch a glimpse of quick pleasure?
…have I prostituted myself away from the warmth of your loving hands into the cold hands of death?
…do you allow me back after I’ve cheated on you?

…beauty disguises itself, but death cannot hide its violent face for long…

…do I loose my momentum?
…do I fail and fall short?
…do I run dry?
…does my mind stray?
…am I unworthy?
…do you redeem me?

…do I cry out?
…do I deceive myself?
…have I turned on you?
…do I evolve my prayers around myself?
…am I a hypocrite?
…am I shaken by the wind?
…am I humbled standing in your midst?
…am I thankful?
…am I obedient?

...do you tell me you love me?
…do you teach me?
…do you uplift and uphold me?
…have you fought for me?
…have you given?
…have you turned to me?

…and undeserving am I?
…do I see your grace and your mercy?
...do I see your beauty?
…do I see your peace?
…do I see your undeserved blessing?

…I am deeply thankful
…I am humbled
…I am grateful

Adventure; Unknown Charted Territory

2006-06-14T14:19:00.000-06:00

T Minus one week

Departure - headed down a charted road but has not been seen by my eyes, every experience different for the traveler. Excitement rising, pulse accelerates, live the thrill of walking into unknown territory; peace at my side. Hoping and waiting. Only an assumption can be made of the general concept and outcome of the undertaking.

Fill me up, make me new; make me more like you. Let us be focused on the goal, focused on the field of harvest, not on each other, not on ourselves, not on the tools we use, not on our hungry, empty stomachs.
Prepare the hearts, make gold out of coal. Peel off calloused tissue. Prune the crop of the field.

D-Day is approaching and we're going to war. This war I cannot die in, this war is for the lives of others, not for my own freedom. That war has come and passed; that war has been won victoriously! Time to fight for those who don't know, those who NEED to know.

The adventure is coming, and who knows what it will bring in the outcome, but if your hand is behind this than your word will not be mocked. Romans 8:28, one more promise the good, good Lord has promised, shall come to pass.

I welcome challenge, although I might not agree in the moment of the circumstance once arrives... I'm looking forward to learning about people, about ministry, about God, about kids, about friends, about relationship. This summer will be full; this summer is what I've needed, what I've been missing.
These next few days are final preparation, spiritually, physically. Rest and relaxation, minimized stress, peace everlasting. I took the time out to ride in the bliss, enjoying what was made 'for me' - ground my thoughts, ground my life, bring it all back to you. Thank-you for teaching and showing me how to simply 'enjoy' your gifts in life. The simple things, the little things. The greenery of the trees. Their lush beauty, swaying with the wind. A graceful river, highlighted, accented by city life. By the beauty of an architectural bridge. By the variety of smells in the air. The warm wind on your face, the deer that stare at me, afraid of me, as I go by. For the pink shade in the sunset, as the clouds wrap themselves into the bare sky to paint a picture. For the land to be laid out, with its hills and curves, winding together, colliding; decorated with bushes, shrubs and trees of all sizes; of different shades and colors; wild flowers. This is a small paradise.

Your will be done this summer, in your people, in this place, and with everyone else back in the cities; back in the homes with their jobs. In their lives. Water your seeds this summer, enable them to flourish. Speak forth their bloom. Keep our feet on level ground, let us not forget, let us never loose sight of you and why we're here, why we're in these moments we're in. Let me never forget, let my tongue always give thanks and give praise.
You are why I am created - hold us near - thank you your majesty, that you are Lord. Shalome.

Marriage; Passion, Fire and Desire

2006-06-09T11:53:00.000-06:00

So I have decided to write about this regardless of what people may think. It's really long as you can see and if you don't want to read it, you totally don't have to - fine by me, please don't complain to me about it's length if you so choose to read it. My life is faced with decisions and choices as is everyone's, and I'm not looking for insight from anyone in this post, but I am sharing what's inside of me that I long for, that I have been thinking about throughout years....searching for something real, and I will find it the way it was meant to be - and that I can speak in Jesus' name. I wasn't going to share this, but I've wrote it in a way that I can share it. So without further adue, here it is - and I admire anyone who actually reads all of this!

I feel a fire. I feel a deep burning. I feel a longing. I feel desire. I have seen, saw and lived under the corruption of love. Corruption of marriage, corruption of relationship. Oh, how the soul is thirsty and longing; yearning for something real! Thirsty for what God says relationship is all about. For what the good Lord has set it out to be. Embark on a journey to find the true meaning of love; to see how marriage is directed and intertwined with the beauty of God. To see how marriage is a living example of the relationship God wants to have with you; with me. So we could walk into an inviting mystery, that we ought to come out knowing Him better.

We have been brought up, bombarded by false testimony, with vails over our eyes so thick we see things backwards than how they should be. Asking all the wrong questions, seeking all the wrong answers. Why is it that we have failed? Why is it that the body has failed just as much as the secular world? How scary it is for us who are young to have more failure as our role models, than success. To be believing for things we rarely see anyone else accomplish. How must we persevere to see the blessing of Christ, through our own mistakes. How we have to learn from the mistakes of those before us, that we might not make them. Because we’ll never really know what it’s like until we’re there, until we experience it for ourselves. But please, let us use wisdom, for God’s word says that if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask for it... I rest my doubt in God above having thought, ‘if this wasn’t achievable, then God would not have asked it of us.’

I have a dream... of what I want my marriage to look like. Of course, marriage is not the final goal, it is not the main course in life, but simply an additive to the abundant life God has promised if only we would be so willing as to accept. Yet I cannot write off what lies in my heart, and I fully plan to utilize it, and use it to fight for what is right.

I’m deeply thankful for a couple like my older brother and his newly wedded wife. Never have I seen two people more in love. Where I talked to his wife on the phone a short while ago and asked how marriage was and her honest, warm, sincere reply was, ‘it’s awesome, everyday is like Christmas morning!’ Now of course they’re ‘just married’ but bare with me, I’ve seen couples who are ‘just married’ into the first year and it seems that they’ve been together forever. Their spice is gone, their flavour is gone, the fun seems to be mundane and no longer present. Why does the well dry up and have no more water?

I’m thankful that I have my parents to watch after nearly 30 years of marriage, and they enjoy each other still. Of course, they’re not perfect, of course they’ve made mistakes...yet I can see the smile on my dad’s face when he talks about how he looks forward to going on trips with my mother. How he warms inside and tells how he enjoys her. it’s warming. And he might not know, but I NEED it. I NEED them to love each other. I NEED them to enjoy each other’s precence and to show me and my brothers how we’re suppose to fight through, how we’re suppose to love our wives and cherish them. To respect them and treat them with honor. Because a woman is a special blessing, she truly is God’s final touch. Why can we not see our differences as beautiful, rather than a curse?

Companionship. Commitment. She and she alone I’ll be for. Love. Relationship. Friendship; deep friendship. Fun! Intimacy, in more ways than one. The intimacy of a soft kiss or a gentle touch. the intimacy of the little; the intimacy of the abundant. The gift to explore. I want to cherish her like I’ve never cherished someone before. (Which I also want my level of love for people to increase) I want to ENJOY her company and the essence of her beauty. I want to develop a friendship; a relationship so strong, so intimate that man cannot seperate it. That it may shake, but would never fall. God’s word says, ‘what the Lord has brought together, let man not seperate.’’ Divorce is simply not an option. My words are not doing the justice as my heart is speaking. I want to be head over heals in love, but not blindly in love. I want my marriage to succeed. I want it to thrive. I want my marriage to be blessed, I want my marriage to be saturated; perfumed with the love of God.

God as the head, always, every day, every moment. When days are rough, when days are smooth. Do we run from God because we have a bad day? We shouldn’t. Likewise, running from marriage when you have a bad day is equal. If God can lead me to be a man of God and my wife a woman of God, as Him as the head, ALWAYS, then who can rise against that? Sure, it’ll be challenged, but if it’s firm, it should not fall. Ever.

I believe in marriage; I am eagerly anticipating the day, the entire process, the entire journey. I am excited for it; for it see it’s beauty. I am excited for the companionship, for the union with my best friend. Yet I am not impatient for it, just excited about it!

I believe that it can be achieved and enjoyed! Not that you’ll crawl across the finish line with little air left in your lungs, torn clothes, barely any energy, but rather... dance across the finish line with my wife. Together, hand in hand, smiles on our faces, lit up like the sun because you made it. Because you loved each other, through thick, through thin. Through sickness or disease. Oh, how I need Jesus so strongly to achieve this kind of love. But things is... I believe it. I believe in it. I believe it exists because God exists. Because our love can never go too deep. We can’t match the love of the Father. Learn from our mistakes. Use our mistakes to grow together and with each other.

I have no doubt in my mind that marriage will be ‘hard’, but I would like to believe ‘at times’ that would be true, for if it were true always, why would anyone want to go through with it? Should marriage not be a blessing to be with someone you love? Someone you cherish and enjoy being around? Everything in life requires balance and moderation. Why is it that so few people seem to be able to do this? What is the difference between those who quit and those who persevere?

I don’t want to be afraid, I don’t want to back down, the risk is worth it. I heard a phrase, ‘the worst thing you can do in life is marry the wrong person.’ Use your head, present to God, use common sense, use advice from others, use guidance from mature, Godly sources. Do you mesh? Do you connect? Do you have fun? Are your interests the same? Where are you both going in life? What are your passions? I’m seeing that the most important factor is how you mesh; how you connect. If you’re both on the same level; on the same page.

I’ve rested on the fact that I won’t be told flat out by God who my wife is; that it won’t be that easy to figure it out, and quite frankly, I am not interested in finding out that way. The journey and challenge of figuring this out for yourself is actually fun and exciting. It’s thrilling. Like ripping a piece of paper off of a present from under the Christmas tree on Christmas eve. Just to take a peek, but not knowing what’s inside. Or the light shining over a hilltop, teasing you before it finally reveals itsself; all light warming your face. Surely God is great! Surely God DESIRES blessing for us, it’s written all throughout His word. So should it be as hard as they say? Should it be so rough that it almost doesn’t sound appealing? I refuse to accept that it will be labelled as ‘hard’ but I would rather label it as ‘an adventure waiting to be tapped into it’.

I pray for blessing, I’ll walk with my Lord, and full well know I don’t deserve it, but what do I have in life that I DID deserve? nothing. I deserved to be on that cross that day. Bloodied and bruised. One last breath in my lungs asking God why he forsakened me. So I full well know God wants this, that he delights in this. I look to him who is First and will always remain first in my life. Above my wife, above my own desires. It is a process to be learned. a liftetime to be corrected and taught. He’s a good God, definately. My life, I will live for you Lord, and this desire for a fresh view, a fresh understanding the way YOU see it, the way YOU want it, thrives in my soul. It will birth and providing I stick with my eyes on my God, always, as does my wife, together, we’ll take a journey in life, enjoying the moments, for there’ll be many of them. to love and cherish, to minister together. to cry together, to laugh together, to dance together. This is beautiful, this is intimate. A triangle of intimacy.... I delight in this....

Realization has set in. To feel these passions , seeing that God has given me wisdom and revelation of that on a higher level than I’ve known before. God has allowed me to see a higher standard of living in relationship, in life, and I know there’s even more beyond the horizon. I know I must keep my eyes on God above, but the passion is real and true and healthy. It is right. For marriage is not what life is about, but as I am nearing an age of the option becoming more probably and realistic, I cant help but see what I need to do to prepare. The only reason I have what I have is because God has granted it to me. I thirst for more and the only reason that is because God has showed me a higher level. I am EXTREMELY grateful for what’s been given and taught to me up to this point and I will pursue. God is a good, an awesome God! God, Father, be the head, lead me and guide me to the life you have for me. to the way you want me to live. I’m grateful and thankful. joyus! and humbled! thank-you to the Father, who is glorious above!

Unknown Majesty; Thankfulness!

2006-06-07T17:38:00.000-06:00

Walk out to a quiet, yet lively pasture
Standing on a hill, staring out over the golden prairies.
the distant land seems to have no end,
The clouds take shape and blissfully decorate the bold, vast blue sky,
together they intertwine to form a masterpiece

never to be seen again
The gold, orange and pink colors paint the sunset

beautifully meshing together, stimulating the mind, body and soul.
the sun is bold, blinding, instantly warming on the face

and every area of bare skin it so gently touches.
the wind softly rolls throughout the hills,

swarming every inch, swaying it in a joyus dance
the scent of the sweet grass gives pleasure, bringing a mellow, warming smile upon my face.
My eyes close and I loose myself in the moment.
A tame breeze finds my face, consuming, drapping itself around me whole. -Serenaded - I'm as an ant from the ariel view. I'm delighted in. I am one of kind - his work of art - a crafted specialty.
It is in that moment, that I am over powered. I'm lost in uknown majesty; reveling. I can hear nothing but the wind prowling through the field of grass and wheat. I can hear the bliss of nature at work. My eyes absorb the beauty. I am calmed. I am equable. I am at complete peace.

complete, blissful peace.

In the midst of circumstance, good or bad, perhaps it’s time for another break. to see what you DO have at the tips of your fingers. To see what blessing God has granted you. I forget (among many things) what God has done for me every, single day. A thankful heart is key, and when it’s genuine and pure, it’s then content and true. Walking home from the gym the other night with the sunset sky, the beauty of a small residential area of city life, it hit me: everything in that moment, what I’m thankful for. I realized some things once more.

I’m thankful for the clean air I can breathe, I’m thankful for the roadways that make it tremendously easy to get to and from. The decorated flowers, grass and trees along the way, bringing peace. I’m thankful for beauty God has showed - I’ve never seen how important it is until now. I’m thankful that I have eyes to see, ears to hear the sounds, the birds, the trees, the wind, children playing ball in the park, thankful I can hear life. that I can smell the many scents from the fresh, cut grass. From the trees, from the flowers that seem to have their own perfume. the smell of ‘fresh’. Fresh air. For all that is calming to an anxious soul.

that I can taste, that I can ‘feel’’ touch. that I can feel textures, that I can feel the intimacy of a simple, soft, touch. thankful for arms and legs so I can physically walk or run. that mybody is healthy, that my body is functioning. Thankful for the body itself, of what I have. what I’ve been granted; none of which I deserved or paid for. All of which was simply given. I could be skinnier, I could be larger, I could be smaller, I could be weaker. I could be unhealthy, I could be too sick to go outside, too sick to enjoy natural creation. Too sick to enjoy friends or family. To sick, the most fun I could have is to stare at a blank, white roof for the rest of my life. Thankful that I have a voice to communicate. Thankful for how easy life actually IS in this case.

Thankful I could walk freely and not in one bit of fear. Thankful for the people I walked past and said ‘hi’ to. I’m not alone! Thankful that they were friendly back! Thankful for silence and beauty. There’s just so much. Incredible amount. Tthis was just on a walk home and I can’t remember what triggered it but it was mostly my body alone what I was thankful for, what all is involved in that, that works, that doesn’t necessarily have to. that may fail. but I have these, and I take them for granted at times. The thought of loosing my legs brings anguish alone. let alone, my sight or my hearing. These are beautiful, beautiful gifts we have little to no control over keeping. If they were completely taken away, it wouldn’t matter what a doctor could say or do, or what perscription could be given.

Thankful that I was born in Canada. I could’ve been born in Africa with AIDS before I even had a chance to live. That I got an education so i could learn essential and basic skills and more. That I KNOW i’ll always have food for the day, clothes, and a place to lay my head at night. My issues begin to shrink. They begin to be put into perspective. I’m humbled as I’m surrounded by the thought of what I actually DO have on a daily basis and those small things in life I whine, snivel and complain about. I have nothing to complain about. We’re very rich. Thankful for the safety and the environment. These parks and lakes were made, were put here because God gave man an idea. Thankful for people who pursue their dreams. Everything around you is the result of someone’s dream they followed through with, to bring to life. Think if you had to establish something as big as a city and you were looking at an open field; barren land, with nothing but the clothes on your back. Big operation? My issues are really none to complain about at all.

Tonight I’ll get to play baseball. I wont have to worry if my family will survive the night from violence or from starvation. That I know they’ll be resting infront of the tv after a day of work. that my body will even allow me to have that source of fun and relaxation. I could go on, but it’s the point of the matter. Eminem said it best ”Loose yourself... in the moment...don’t you ever let it go”
“Don’t forget your Egypt” - don’t forget where you came from. Don’t you forget what God gave you. We always need a thankful heart, and I’m just plain thankful that I get times such as these, where I’m lost in mentality, yet in the physical world, that I can be shown all I truly have. There’s far more I could write that I see, far more that I’m even aware of...that we can pick out, that we can pick apart.

Jesus, sincerely.... from the bottom of my heart.... thank-you....for everything... that you've done, doing and will do. Not because I deserve it, but because you love me...

Friendly Reminders!

2006-06-01T17:54:00.000-06:00

The human mind can be one of my biggest enemies. It works for me and yet against me. Throw in a mix of human nature and you've officially got yourself a mess!

Lately I've seemed to move mylsef into anxiousness with my life and my circumstances and current situations. The summer, the fall, where life is going, etc. It's relieving in a small sense to see others who are also wondering the same thing, 'what am I going to do with my life?' - that we all have this same question. But we've also got the insight of accepting and loving your present. Where you are now. Not so much of being content but 'enjoying' where you are now.

Times in my life I forget to stop and actually ENJOY where I'm at. Enjoy the day, enjoy the time, enjoy the people, the friends, the family, enjoy what you've got TODAY. Enjoy your relationships.
I cry out to God as to what I'm suppose to do with this and that, and over there, and a friend speaks to me a friendly reminder that God gave me a brain and wisdom, so he doesn't have to tell me what exactly to do all the time. But there's the part of figuring it out for yourself, meanwhile, God is right there the entire time.

I push myself into worry and feel anxious and cause my own anxiety and discomfort.
Relax & enjoy - keeps coming back at me and for some reason, I've been forgetting about it. I don't want to look back on my life and see I forgot to enjoy because I was so worried of making a mistake.
A man who takes no risk in life is a dead man. Life is adventurous with risks that are properly thought out and respected, not foolishly ran into hoping for a positive outcome. Life is boring without risk.

I feel at peace finally today from a conversation over lunch with a good friend. To be reminded to relax and enjoy. use wisdom and what God has already given to me. That he won't always tell you the answers. Peace came back, and after prayer I feel released. Peace returned! But like you, I'm just one person. I'm just one man, trying to find his way through life, chasing after God and his way, teetering right or left to find that straight path. Mistakes I do make.

I would much rather ask God FIRST and go through a mistake to find out something as small as this for an answer, rather than not ask God at all and move forward to reap that seed. No thanks, I'll take this instead!

Enjoy, Enjoy, Enjoy.your path, your process, your situations, your circumstance, your summer plans, the people around you. Life!

Update comin' soon!

2006-05-31T11:58:00.000-06:00

Hey everyone, I haven't had time yet to write a new blog, but one is on the way! A LOT happened on the weekend that was all great stuff and I'm not even quite sure what I want to write about yet o.0

The weekend was awesome and I had a great time! Everyone generally got along and we all seemed to enjoy ourselves (excluding a few minor issues). So I just want to say thanks to all those who I went up with. I had an awesome time guys and gals! You guys are awesome, all of you and thanks for everything you did this weekend whether you wanted to or not - I appreciate it and I am honored to have friends like you. YC 06 was one for the books! Have a great week, see you all soon!

Weekend Away from Here!

2006-05-25T16:55:00.000-06:00

So tomorrow we (a crew) are off to YC and I am SO incredibly looking forward to this trip, you have no idea! Tonight will be crazy busy trying to get everything ready for that.. okay, well not crazy busy, but busy nonetheless. I'm off till Tuesday so that's incredible! a 4 day weekend after a long weekend from last weekend! That's a lot of weekends. No... the word weekend, I wrote it out a lot. Weekend. Weekend. Weekend.

o.0

So to anyone who reads this, have a great Weekend! and see you next week when I get back. To those who are coming with me - we're gonna have an awesome time! A weekend filled with friends, God, 16,000 people, and a few other things ( ;P) how can I go wrong??

God Bless ya'll! (Insert American accent here)

JP!

Seasons

2006-05-24T10:13:00.000-06:00

Seasons

3 definitions that stuck out to me.
-To render competent through trial and experience
-A period of time
-A suitable, natural, or convenient time

Funny how you can never see your own journey at times, yet at other times it's generally easy for someone else to look at you from a distance and see a wider picture than you do. When you're clouded by your own doubt and confussion; your own wonder and expectation; Your own hope and desire for 'something' to just happen; Somewhat fearful because you don't know if it's you that needs to step out or if you simply just need to wait. Where does the line draw for common sense to move forward or faith to wait?

If it is true that a man is fearful and always sub-conciously asking, 'do I have what it takes?' If he struggles with fear, struggles with wanting to 'be someone' of importance; wanting to feel of worth; to feel valuable. To not just be another named to have lived and died under the sun without making an impact in a positive way; Without being another story of failure and discouragement because a life was wasted. What then, shall I do?

An elderly man spoke out and thought that when he gets to heaven, he'll see a large warehouse with it's big, heavy, hangar doors open and he'll see the warehouse 3/4 full of blessings that God wanted to give him, but he never did what he needed to in order to receive them. How sad... but it makes you wonder. Reality check. This man is old and done the majority of his days. I am only 22, not even half over yet - with insight like that, perhaps it's time to move.

How many times do I fail, how many conversations have I blown off, how many times have I backed down, how often have I 'not felt like it' - (whatever that means to you). How have I robbed myself from my own blessing God wanted to bestow upon me? How many people could I have impacted but never had the care to listen or speak because of my own selfishness?

I sure have been seeing a lot of things I've been doing wrong lately and it has almost left me layed out on the ground...weighted and unworthy. Will I ever get it right? It's moments like that, that it's hard to think that I....how can I possibly please the creator of the universe with all this baggage?
When you can't even connect, and constantly try - When you're a leader and feel your relationship merely scratches a surface that has a depth you're completely unaware of. Never give up, keep trying through faith, one day you'll get it. One day it'll click.

From a outword glance, can you smile and say, 'you're human, you make mistakes' and extend grace, but from the inword position, you really feel the weight and definately isn't the same. How often do I sub-conciously think that I need to be holy and pure before God can use me? Where did this mentality even come from? The world would never see grace, mercy and love if we had to be pure before we could serve. Oh, how often do I forget.

I'm thankful that God is bigger than sin - I'm thankful that I can be used in my filth and my corruption. My mindsets, my pharisee heart, my laziness, my lack of due care or attention. My lack of commitment. My lack of speech or boldness when it's needed the most. All the lies that are spoken over me that I accept so easily while I stare at the floor and hopelessly listen. How frustrating it must be... I'm glad I can't exhaust the love of the Father because no one else could certainly bare it.

I feel the weight of being unworthy. Maybe it's humbling me - stripping pride. I hate pride, yet I can feel it in me as well. I really do feel like a broken man. I really am a broken man. Never forget where I brought you from, God says, "Never forget your Egypt."
Always praise, always push, always fight - they battle for you night and day, light and darkness. The least we can do is tell God we love him. The greatest gift I can give is my life, because my life is all I have, and it's technically not even mine.

Seasons...
try to take a step back and see the journey but can't - faith builds, the word says. Looking forward for God to bring me out once I learn what it is I need to learn or see. There truly is no where to go but straight ahead because there's only death behind me and left or right will lead me astray. Focus on the sky, close my eyes, inhale & exhale; smell the beauty, take hold of peace that your life is held in the palm of his hand - just don't stop, just don't quit. Perhaps this is what it means to be living under grace...

War of the Century!

2006-05-16T14:34:00.000-06:00

Ever since the beginning of time it has been a long, enduring heated debate of who would win between a ninja and a pirate. Some say pirates, some say ninja's. Today is a good day to solve this mystery with true facts that could only express nothing but solid truth. Let's explore shall we?

First off - Pirates

1.)Pirates have bad hygene.
EVer find yourself cringing over their disgusting teeth? Or how about the bad breath, drunkenness, torn & ripped clothes? A true warrior would not be as ugly and smell as bad as a pirate. Yet on the other hand, a pirate is MADE by this foul appearance. mmm... if that won't attract a woman...nothing will...

2.) Pirates DO have some pretty cool stunts
I'm just reminded by Captain Jack Sparrow - pretty much the coolest pirate I've ever known. That guy has crazy pirate skills. Very cool. humorous sword fights, stunts he pulls off without even meaning too - Captain Jack Sparrow is a true pirate. An inspiration among men!

3.) Pirates carry big daggers and funky swords.
Alright. I'm sold on the daggers, knives and swords. That's impressive. They have sweet battles with swords, as they should, because if they didn't have some sort of acrobatic stunts it would be a shame and long pieces of metal aren't that exciting without some other source of action. And what would be cooler than seeing someone get stabbed with a rusted out, dull dagger?(that's a joke...calm down, I'm not really that sick.)

4.) Pirates force people to walk the plank
Now this is always so coolest thing about a pirate! Making someone walk the plank into the ocean while tied up, in the middle of no where, in shark infested waters. Ruthless! I like it! Besides the fact that that is probably one of the WORST feelings in the world, although.. I've... never...really stood on a plank. But I HAVE stood on a diving board and the two circumstances are rather similar!

Next... - Ninja's

Ninja's are by far, the coolest piece of artwork in terms of a death machine created by God... or... the Japanese.. or wherever they came from. Come to think...I don't even know why they had ninja's - they're crazy I guess. Which is pretty sweet.

1.) Stealth
The stealth of a ninja is impeccable. Only Jesus knew when a ninja was near by. (Because Jesus WAS a ninja.) Fact: Chuck Norris nearly learned how to become a true ninja and Mr. T pitty'd the foo.)A ninja is so stealth-like, he would kill you and you'd be walking around for another 5 minutes before you realized you were killed by one.

2.) SWEET clothes
black. unless you're a white ninja, (like Scott) and then you're only good in Canada out in the snow country, otherwise, you're an idiot because you're white...in a dark environment. Jesus said a light on the top of a hill cannot be hidden. And the whole point of ninja's is to not be seen. So just don't be a white ninja in a dark place - there's no use.

3.) Coolest weapons ever!
C'mon! Throwing stars! Sighs, nun chucks, bows, staffs, bamboo stick, flying acrobatics (like new age ninja's that are TOTALLY unrealistic - Hidden Liger, Crotching Dragnon - I hate that movie.) What would be better than seeing a big, sharp, shiny throwing star fly through the air and clip some guy in the neck. The accuracy is astonishing!

4.) Miscellaneous Ninja Facts

A Ninja can kill a man 39,506 ways with a rubber duck.
Ninjas hide in the tiolet and assassinate you at the worse possible moment...
Unlike humans, Ninjas can lick their elbows.
Ninja's have one weakness...they will drop what they are doing and sing along with "Black Betty" anytime it is played. (Does this remind anybody of Kurtis?)
When not engaged in combat, Ninja's collect sea shells.

So you decide which is cooler. I like ninja's because that's up my alley. Stealth. Stealth is cool. Ninja's are suspensful thrillers. Pirates are entertaining action. Make your pick - who do YOU think would win? Would you rather be a pirate or a ninja?

Update for a moment

2006-05-07T23:51:00.000-06:00

May will rule. Simply for a few various reasons, some which I'll keep to myself and the ones I'll share is because I get a lot of time off this month. Almost a week split up. Can you spell... awesome?

It was nice to vacate away from the Hat and spend confined time with friends because that means bonding time! I realized that our group is far too sarcastic and that needs to cut back. I also got to have some good conversations, a LOT of laughs, meet new people, have A LOT of fun, learn about 'vital signs' ;) and just have an awesome time. Now as I go to bed I get to let it allll sink in and in 3 weeks, go do it all over again. I have to work in the morning and I'm really not upset at the fact I have to get up at 7 - I really don't mind. this makes me happy that I'm not dreading work. It's nice when you enjoy your job!

Anyways, Dave from the ranch called me on Friday to tell me my position out at the ranch. what? What is it? I dont know, I didn't talk to him, he left a message, I really hope I'm on the worship team being as that's what I want to do. Now... if I could only assembly my gear by the summer, i'm set!

anyways, short post, not specific, no detail, I like it! Awesome weekend

Guys, I had an awesome time with you and Nikki, I'm honestly really proud of the stuff you did this weekend. It's a pleasure to be around that and see if take place. And I enjoyed that parilamnt building to, and I hate politics, so don't worry - you're not a geek!

Night!

Hopelessly Faithful

2006-05-01T23:04:00.000-06:00

Hopelessly Faithful

Walk with me

Walk down a narrow road

One has to stop at one point and question himself

Challenge the belief

Those cherished most; closest to you turn on you to question

are you a fool?

Feel like they think you’re an idiot

pass up the opportunity, pass up the ‘security’

literal ‘down to earth’ thinking is too grounded for my liking.

Is my head so far in the clouds I overlook common sense?

Forced to take a moment and stop on the path I’m heading.

Look behind, look up and down, look all around

Only one man stands at your side whispering in your ear;

but won’t let you think

I have to sit back and ask, ‘where am I going..really?’

stand alone, look straight up into the blue sky,

see and feel nothing

shut my eyes, attempt to block out the voices that scream in my ear

lifeless hands seem to reach my throat to choke me,

clench my fists, sweat beads on my forehead,

open my eyes to see the heavens

instead see nothing but blue sky and white, patchy clouds.

Stop in the stillness; alone to make a decision

Question everything you ever knew

Question the path you now follow

follow the one who doesn’t need to spit down your throat.

follow the one who stands in the distance and has a gentle mystery.

I’ll take my chances with him.

there’s your signal; there’s how I know who to follow

I believe in the unseen

I believe in the words of a book

Until this body, until these lungs have no breath

if my life was smothered out

my lasts words will be your name

He is good; He is holy

I will not back down

I will be strong

I will fight

I am not weak

I refuse defeat

I refuse to quit

I’m hopelessly trusting you

take me, make me

a somebody from a nobody

perhaps I’ll be what I couldn’t dream

to have a thief whisper agreement in their views

opposition speaks a volume of worth

for someone to fight so hard,

you must know something I don’t

but your very attack shows me a glimpse

your very attack ignites a flame in my soul

Fuel me, bestow strength unto me

I hope I put a smile on your face

I hope I’m pleasing to you

I hope I make you proud

this is all I’ve got

you are all I’ve got

I’ll be a ‘fool’ if I must

You cannot be mocked

My faith hopelessly rests in you

Waist Rope

2006-04-26T13:15:00.000-06:00

So I have nothing I feel like sharing with anyone that's of real value, so for now, because I need a new post, I leave you with a little short story.

A farmer is tending his field with his big tractor one fine afternoon and in the distance on one of the hilltops he sees what looks like to be a human-like figure, swaying back and forth in the wind bend in half at the waist, dangling by a rope. He shrugs it off intending to deal with it when he makes it closer to the hilltop.
So later that afternoon he finally makes his way near the tree to see that it's a blonde woman dangling in the wind by her waist and he asks, 'ma'am? Ma'am are you alright?'
With depression in her tone of voice she replies, 'No... I'm tired of life so I thought I would use this tree and rope to kill myself'
The man hesitates for a second due to confusion and says 'If you were trying to kill yourself then why have you put the rope around your waist?"
She suddenly looked up at him with nothing but irriation on her face and sarcasticly said, 'well if I put the rope around my neck I wouldn't be able to breathe!'

GOULET!

Journaling, Revelation and Authority

2006-04-19T23:52:00.000-06:00

Stop. Take a moment. Everything around you, all the fuss, all the dilema, all the uncertainty. Allyour confusion, all your pains, your hurts, your discomforts, your lack. forget everything for a moment - truthfully. take a deep breathe, get lost in the clouds for a moment. Drop everything and take 5.

I was journalling tonight and wrote out 4 pages. I had so much to write about. It just starts flowing after awhile and my hands just don’t stop. If they do, it’s for a mere second, I kid you not. I realized something while I was writing. It was important, I was getting excited about the things of God and what he’s been doing in my life and if you just asked me at the moment, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you everything the way I wrote it out in that description.

write. Take a moment and journal about your past year.. if you don’t want to and your set on not writing, then at least stop and think.. where were you a year ago today? What did your spiritual life look like? have you grown or slid back? If you’ve slid back, you need to start climbing the mountain and not tumbling down it. Actually... if you’ve slid back you may not know it, but you’re actually STILL growing, because it’ll be used in amazing ways, but you need to climb and not backslide. If you’ve grown, praise! I know my friends have been growing and we get caught in the midst at times and as I was journalling tonight I saw the importance of journaling in my life. I was encouraged by writing, by seeing what God is doing. I need it because it gets my thoughts clear in positive ways. Whether i’m writing about positive things or not, it’s a positive outcome. Everytime. It clears your mind. I started writing and began to see my track from the past year. Seing my growth and how the past year seems to be one big season of learning for me. it’s been packed full I kid you not. PACKED. FULL. Bloaded. Seriously, no joke, those are the right words and to think this is only the beginning. God uses me where I’m at, with the dirt on my face, whether it be a lot or a mere mark, i’m loved. i’m accepted, i’m used. I’m being cleansed one day at a time. Cleaned up one day at a time and in that I’m still being used for the kingdom. work the fields while you wait for God to show up so when he comes you’re not standing around and expect him to take you for a ride. Besides.. sitting around doing nothing is boring anyway.

the other thing I wanted to share is authority. I’ve been learning the authoirty we have in Christ. Getting revelation on it and practicing it. when the enemy angers me enough I stand under authority under God and tell him to get behind me. Tell him to leave my mind, leave me alone. He goes. If he comes back, I’ll do it again. I haven’t gotten REALLY angry yet, but push me... see what happens. I would think there is power in righteous anger. Trigger it.. I dare you. (If it’s TRULY righteous anger) I see how much we have that we don’t even realize. We REALLY do have EVERYTHING we need... so we just need to start using it. Start tapping into it. we don’t always have to run to someone to save ourselves when God has granted us the power to overcome your situation. To overcome evil creeping up on you. We truly cannot be defeated if we just understand the power of Christ. He’s won. who can stand in the way of him if the enemy himself has tried and failed? Who truly can be against us? Man? thats laughable. When darkness is chasing you and grabbing at your feet, if you shake off your fear and turn around with a holy attitude, you can bind that away. I get sick of being pushed around and there’s times I stand firm and stop and hold my ground. Meanwhile, Jesus is right overtop of me gently giving me the power to do just that. I want to share that so perhaps you might think about your situations. do you practice your authoirty? Do you even feel like you have any? did you even know you had it? Some do, some don’t. I’ve just seen a piece of it but I tell you I am practicing it and God is no fool, nor a liar. you stand firm and rooted in HIS authority and when you truly do that, you can feel its power. We don’t have to let the enemy or our situations overcome us, when we have power to overcome them. Yes, we still need help at times, but somtimes we just need to turn around, face the enemy with Jesus and stand our ground. Because it’s mine... not his.

The whole idea behind this post for me is I would like you to reflect your past year. not in a moment, but the entire journey and see where you’ve come. See what God has done. Get quiet, go in your room, or by yourself somewhere and actually take some time and look where you’ve come and perhaps even do an inventory check on yourself. if your results aren’t so delighting then perhaps you and God need to have a little chat. I found this very encouraging and it put a smile on my face because I can see God working through it all. Even though some times seem slow, God has never taken a break. God does not need to rest and he’s always up to something. you guys are awesome - keep striving!

Hoopla

2006-04-18T09:20:00.000-06:00

I still don't have anything I want to write about and I see some people wrote some serious blogs so I'll water it down with a joke I heard sunday morning Pastor Al said in regarding his 'relationship series' His point was that God doesn't want us to be miserable with your wife/husband.

A man in his late 50's purchases a brand new sports car and having just bought a brand new car; he wanted to take it for a joyride. So he takes his car on the highway with the top down, wind blowing over his bald head; he drove faster and faster until he saw the blue and red lights flashing in his rear view mirror, sirens screaming. The man thinks to himself, 'There's no way that officer could catch me in this car." So the man speeds up and the state trooper begins to distance further and further away in the rear view mirror. The man suddenly thinks to himself, 'what am I doing?! I can't run away, this is ridiculous!" So he pulls over and waits for the state trooper to catch up. Once he does, the trooper gets out of his patrol car and walks up to the man in the sports car and says, "son, it's Friday and I'm off in 30 minutes… so if you give me an excuse I've never heard before I'll let you off."
The man replies, "My wife recently ran off with a state trooper and I thought you were bringing her back"
The officer waved and said, 'have a nice day'.

tHiS bUd'S fOr YoU!

2006-04-13T11:56:00.000-06:00

I'd like to buy a vowel! Er... wait... I'd like to propose a toast.... to Andrea.... because she's leaving... for a sweet az vacation and that's cool.
And as I've been hounded to write a new blog... I am not yet ready to depart writing on anything productive and worth reading so... here it is...

I present to you....!!!! Some interesting pictures including cats, starting with....

The KITTY! verses... the little general!
ENGAURD!

*Cheers!*

KITTY!

2006-04-13T11:53:00.000-06:00

Mysterious Beauty

2006-04-08T01:25:00.000-06:00

I don’t know why I wrote this, but I was journalling today while listening to music and I saw it so I wrote about it. I wasn’t even writting about this - I’m not trying to say it was anything spiritual by any means, but nevertheless, it came up, so I ran with it. Here’s what I’d like you, as the reader, to do if you would... Take a moment and go into your mind for a mental vacation to dive into a mystery if you will. Use your imagination, visit a garden and see how it relates to the Father. I’ll try to put into words as best I can. Standing infront of a secluded garden. I can see this captivating piece of work from a mere distance. I can see birds flying high above the clear, blue sky. Golden gates surround the Oasis and it’s peacefully stationary in its seclusion. Undisturbed, uninterupted. I approach it, and it’s like walking from the dessert into a jungle. like a tree line of a forest. And as I walk near this garden, before I ever step in, its beauty is seizing. Your creativity is infinite. The garden is lush, moist and warm. There’s dew dripping off the plants, yet it is not humid, it’s perfect. The golden sun, mixes with the bold, blue skies, shimmering into the streams of crystal clear water, gracefully, quietly and peacefully flowing. A waterfall near by - It’s sound increases louder as I approach. your Might, your power. the sound...I can barely hear myself speak. its strength craves attention. It births a mist, lifted right to my face. Refreshing. the water is challengingly daring. Demanding respect. The birds in the trees joyfully sing their maker a new song. the watefall boats a beautiful rainbow in the watery mist. The lush greenery accents the water. The air is clean and pure. This is a paradise, nothng but peace and beauty. Ripe, fresh fruit grows wild. All sorts of varietyies and colors. Bold and thick in color. Wattery and filled with sweet juices. The aroma fills youor nose as you walk by. All your favourite fruits and scents. Walk on and pass the plants to come to an open field. Green, golden grass fields. The wind blows through the entire field as if it were dancing for you. A breeze then engulfs you; holds you ; close your eyes to hear a whisper. Feel the warmth of the sun illuminate your face. Feel His arms of love wrap around you from behind and hold you. the sun then puts on a light show through the paring clouds. Shinning through, shades of yellow, orange, blended in with the golden grass. Massive trees in the distance all moving together in a summer breeze. The nature has a power that seems to demand of you but in silence, without words. It’s inviting, yet challanging. I feel it’s power - I see it’s mystery. Like the peak of a mountain or the waves of an ocean. Can you hear them? See the artwork of the creator - the maker’s creation. He’s in the wind, he’s in the trees, he’s in the sweet, green grass. his display is in the power of the waterfall, the beauty of the lush, the mist of water of your face. He’s in the rain as each drop finds its way to the ground, or to your face. Beauty and majesty - I see in the creativity how you relate - how you reveal yourself that I might begin to understand. Bathe in it, soak it up, enjoy it. Rest in it. He who exceeds all which is imaginable, you are a beautiful mystery I long to explore.

Undefeated

2006-03-30T13:16:00.000-07:00

"Undefeated"

Like a band of gypsies we go rollin' down the highway,
I've come a long way ridin' with my friends.
They stand beside me when the world's not goin' my way,
We may be losers but we're winners in the end

We are, undefeated,
and we're, still believin'
in the one thing that has gotten us this far!
And we, can't be beaten,
and we're standin' on the shoulders
of the ones who went before us,
and we're fighting back with love!

Trouble always finds me, everywhere that I go,
A cloud above me like a kite up on a string.
Here in the valley, the valley I know,
There is a mountaintop where I can stand and say,

Love, conquers all
Undefeated
We're fighting back with love!

-Audio Adrenaline

Everything that's been on my mind lately, this song ministered to me in a powerful way which was full of hope. I felt alive today listening to it, the sun shining, snow melted, the car too warm to not roll a window down. Thank you Father, that there is no circumstance that I face in life, that cannot be overcome because of you. So many promises, not one has been broken. Thank you that you help me and when things are down I can still look over the fence and see paradise that I get to bathe in. To hold on to faith that you ARE there, that you WILL come - I'm hankful while I'm in the trash, when skies are grey but you open my eyes to see more than just a moment. You show me how to believe, how to hold on. You show me how to live through all my corruption. I praise with joy this day! Thanks for all the great people you've placed around me, thanks for loving me in every area of my life. the word of the enemy falters, it shall never stand against your bold truth. Take faith in the good Lord, remember his word, remember his promises - remember how He has never failed you even when you have failed him. Thank you Father, for your faithfullness...

Hold on to his word until it finally sinks in; God allowing his truth to slowly leak its way into your heart. Put to death, the word of the enemy for it has no place in your heart. I put to death his lies this morning so I can make way for your truth. Break off the curses he speaks forth over your life so you cannot be hindered. Cast the enemy out, invite Jesus in. Thank you God, that you are true - that you never fail me. It feels so good to be free!

Truth of a Bondservant...

2006-03-28T23:43:00.000-07:00

“If you buy a Hebrew servant, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh year, he shall go free, without paying anything. If he comes alone, he is to go free alone; but if he has a wife when he comes, she is to go with him. If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the woman and her children shall belong to her master, and only the man shall go free.

"But if the servant declares, 'I love my master and my wife and children and do not want to go free,' then his master must take him before the judges. He shall take him to the door or the doorpost and pierce his ear with an awl. Then he will be his servant for life.

Exodus 21:2-6 (emphasis added)

Does everything lead up to this point? Surrender. I knew I needed to do this. I already gave up my life before but wonder if I started taking it back. to think of giving up EVERY single thing to God that I’ll only do what I see my father doing.
It’s not about me... God can take care of this. ‘am I pleasing to you Lord?’ I lay on my floor and want to be lead by the Spirit. feel so helpless when I pray - I cannot get there on my own. I can’t see what you’re doing. There’s no certainty in the uknown, God’s road isn’t safe, but dangerous - yet he’ll take care of his servants. his bondservants. Pierce my ear to declare me a bondservant, because I’m surrendering everything. Tonight I have, tonight I did. Not my will anymore, but God’s. I know this is a journey and I completely rely on God and God alone because HE has to lead me through this. through life.
Lay down your dreams, lay down your desires. Hear the words, “do you trust me?” Still feel lost. Fork in the road, clueless and lost, hear you say ‘I’ll guide you, do you trust me?”. still can’t see you but you are acknowledged. Yes Lord, I trust you.

What are the things you want in life the MOST, out of anything else in the world? Whether they are possessions, personality traits, characteristics, things money can or can’t buy.. What are your dreams? what is it you want to do with your life? What is something in your heart you want SO badly? Take a minute... if you would, to seriously consider it and picture those things in your mind.
It can be difficult surrendering everything you want out of life, or your own dreams in which you still struggle what is from God. I feel so blind, probably because I am.

“A man’s steps are directed by the Lord, how then can anyone understand his own way?”
Proverbs 20:24

A blind man needs someone to show him how to get where he wants to go if he’s in area that is uknown to him. If you are blindfolded, and you put your hand on my shoulder, do you know where I’m taking you? How can you see your way when you’re being guided? That spoke loud volumes to me - which is so simple, yet how many times do I forget? I‘ve asked God for so much help because I feel so lost and hopeless on my own.

Who in their right mind would turn back to their master if set free? The greatest freedom is giving up frreedom itself to serve... to become a bondservant for the rest of your days. Surrendering your will daily.. completely. Your dreams, your desires. How does it feel to think of loosing everything you want to do to become a slave? But... a slave to a master who cares, to a master that can grant you life beyond your knowledge, beyond what you could do with it by yourself, as soon as you step out those doors as a free man. A servant who would LOVE his master THAT much...that he would choose to stay behind?

Is this making sense to anyone? It sure did to me tonight. My dreams.. my desires, my hopes, my ‘ideas’ of what I want to do or where I want to go. Selfish by nature, this is hard to give up. So God speaks, “I’ll guide you, do you trust me?” and there’s no specifics. There’s nothing set infront of me and that’s hard to deal with. Yes Lord, I trust you. I pray for so much help because I’m hopeless without the guiding and leading. I am that blind man.

Wanna See my van?

2006-03-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

Life has so many ups and downs, joys and sorrows, praises and discouragement...It's awesome to be able to encourage each other in our everyday lives and struggles, but I'd like to take a 'Kurtis' approach and take light in some humor on my blog for once. So I've decided to take some time away from all these serious blogs.. Raise your hands in the air and scream "Its time for some fun!!!" ...Did you do it? .. . did you now? If you did after that, 100 points for you! If not.. you uh... probably need to go ahead and do it.. c'mon.. it'll be fun... don't be a mr./mrs. grumpy pants... You need to give me some space with this post to let loose a little.. to get a little stupid, persay... seriousness is great, but it's time to switch things up...*AHEM*
...So we got this new van at work... o yea baby... but .... this isn't your ordinary van.. in fact.. this van is dead sexy! Don’t worry Nicole, there IS door locks, no bed, no video camera, and nothing scary about this thing. There's even no children in site! It's a delivery van, so EvErYoNe calm your hormones if you thought I was going to be sick about this thing - do I look like a threat to you??? This van is every soccer mom's dreams, only now, dreams are a reality!! Allow me to explain in the voice of a tv announcer...like the dude on the price is right.. not Bob.. the other guy that explains merch for em...

Irresistible! with it's astonishing white color, big, sexy boxy look, a diesel 5 cylinder engine, spaceous room, and hey, I can almost stand up in this thing! Notice the high roof on this van... that's just the stock model... you can even HIGHER roof if you suffer from Gi-normous height deficiency.. oh sorry, what? What's Gi-normous height deficiency? How rude of me... It's a new theory.... that it isn't the short people in this world that suffer, but really the tall (gi-normous) people who have the problem. .. did you know tall people don't live as long as short people? Oh.. what's that? Hot death for all of them? Yea.. that's what I thought ...The phrase 'vertically challenged' has now taken a shift.. being taller is now the true challenged.. sorry Scott...shortness is where its at, it's a true story! (besides the fact that Jesus made them too..in all reality...but I'm sure he favors the smaller ones more.... ouch...). Anyways, back to the van...when people see this van..they laugh, and it must be because it's incredibly good looking and makes anyone look fabulously gorgeous while they drive it.
You HAVE to see this thing, it's fantastic! It's super safe.. in fact.. so safe, you don't have a rear view mirror or rear view windows, even. Come to think of it, there isn't any windows in the back at all! Who needs to see behind you anyway? Safety is over rated. That's what a loud, obnoxious beeper is for. So everyone can look at me, point and laugh while I back up, hoping that I'm going to hit something. They laugh but when they realize it's their vehicle I'm purposely about to hit, it's funny to see their faces switch from laughter to anger in a matter of half a second ..nevertheless... I feel fat when I'm backing up... If that beeper could speak english, it would be screaming something like 'HEY EVERYONE! LOOK AT THE IDIOT WHO DECIDED TO DRIVE IN THE LOSER CRUISER!' I swear that's not a 'warning' when I'm backing up, but more of the type of alarm that you could relate a grade 7 girl who bathes in perfume... same concept here... they both scream for attention...
Gentlemen...this van is the shiz... if you're the player type, all you need to do is hop in this thing, drive around, and start stealin other guys' girlfriends. In fact, even the guys think its so cool, they willfully give them up! All you need to do is simply just drive around smilin at em'. Hook, line and sinker!

I've taken some pictures of it and myself inside, for your thorough enjoyment. Careful though.. this thing is as captivating as cake is to Nicole...you might want to have a tissue nearby so you can catch the drool coming out of your mouth... (not from me.. from the van) I just added myself to spice it up abit.. every vehicle needs a model right? I just refused to wear scantily clad clothing... I figured g-string bikini's just cramp my style...
This is a tribute... let us have a toast..to the sexiest, greatest van Dodge ever made... that being said, excuse me while I remove myself from the computer to go drown myself in a urine filled toilet... I bet the designer won't show himself in public places anymore due to various slurs and criticism. Poor guy... How would you wanna go crusin’ in that thing for a night? In all seriousness.. I stood inside Comco with another guy that works here and we probably laughed at it for 5-10 minutes.. I kid you not.. It was worth every second.

But truthfully, in all honesty, I'm thankful.. because I get blessed to drive a brand new vehicle that I didn't pay for or ask for. Even if it isn't the best lookin thing you've ever seen, it's brand new.. 400 km on it... So I'm still blessed!!

Van pics

2006-03-22T08:19:00.000-07:00

Immersed In Jesus

2006-03-13T22:27:00.000-07:00

Monday March 13th, 2006

First Off, I want to say that God is absolutely incredible. When you hold on in faith to what he has promised and he begins to take you to a place you’ve never dreamed of, it rocks your world, changing you so you’ll never go back to any sort of life you had before. Praise be with God. These are random thoughts I had today as I was trying to think of something to blog about. I don’t like typing random rants, I like having something solid, something that moves me or is on my heart. I started asking God for a few things in my life which may not be clear or easily understood and from there it just turned into a praise and then I was carried away in a picture which I want to share it all with you all.

Patiently anticipating. I’ll go work in the field as I wait for you, until I hear your voice call me to move. I want corruption erased; removed; vanished. Can I see the complete way it was meant to be? Not what man has made it, not even what I have made it. Can I have the fullness and blessing? Can you teach me, can you show me? Struggles cause growth if viewed correctly – in which I accept. Can we be freed from sin and it’s deception? Can its lies be stoned and put to death before us so we might walk in your absolute and complete blessing? I would rather be rich in relationship than all the money in the world. I know you’re incredibly gracious and this is one area I pray I find it. Yet I give it unto you.

Your timing, your will, your ideas. I’m at peace – you’re preparing it, I know you are. I’ve asked, and I’ve received your promise, I’ve received your word. How can I go wrong with building and maintaining friendships? Holy One. Build and Maintain. Imprison thoughts and slay them dead. I’m patiently anticipating that day.

The process. Learning to love the journey, learning to keep watching you. Where you go, I will follow. Trust your guidance, trust you’ll lead; taste the abundant life. Run the race marked out for us, with perseverance. Extent a hand to those in need; finish together. With strength, with everything provided from the giver – all glory remains with its origin. Thank you One in Heaven above all else, there is none like you – there are none that match, there are none that compare. Splendor, wonder, Majesty, Sovereignty, Holy, Powerful, Wonderful, Beautiful. All control be yours and yours alone. Let me not hinder, but obey. But follow.

Suddenly I’m underneath the surface of water, completely immersed and the top can’t be reached. I’m drowning, but I’m drowning in you. I can still breathe, I can breathe more freely than before. I feel nothing but peace, I am consumed, I am completely relaxed. The water is warm and soothing. It’s crystal clear blue, crisp, beautiful in color. the sunlight above reflects in and through it.. I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face. I’m floating underneath the surface, stationary. You circle around me all over my body and I can feel your every move, I feel your touch, it’s swift but soft. it’s so gentle. It’s full of love. It’s graceful. It’s refreshing; energizing, it’s peaceful. You gently touch my skin; soaking right through, into my bloodstream, into my heart. I’m paralyzed by you. My body floats as if it were dead but my spirit is alive. I am nothing but alive. the feeling is astonishing. I’m in paradise. I can see, I can breathe freely, yet I’m completely submerged. I’m relaxed, your presence is so overwhelmingly strong. Time has froze. I’m invited to rest in you, I shelter in you, I breathe in you, I live in you, I die I in you. I am eternal in you. I am loved by you.

Until Next Time...

2006-03-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

I don't have much new to post..well I guess I do, but I'm not going to anyway... Just wanted to say, 'Enjoy the weekend!' So there it is, go enjoy it! Do something awesome so on Monday morning when you're in a crappy mood, you have something good to reflect on. Peace...

Journey, Struggles & Strength

2006-03-07T21:48:00.000-07:00

This week has been a bit of a struggle with God so far and I realize I’m only 2 days into it. Yet good things are still coming out of it. Ever have those days where you wake up and feel anxious? of course you do! :D Yesterday and today I woke up like that. Monday I woke up and struggled with the future. When you’re caught in those moments where you can’t see 2 feet infront of yourself in a spiritual sense. Where you wonder where your life is headed and you can’t help but wondering if some things you believe in will EVER come to pass...Funny how time passes by so fast yet at the same time it can pass by so seemingly slow... I went for lunch at a little cafe here in town and on the way back, listening to music, I believe God spoke to me - I wanted to share it with you. Beforehand, take yourself back to a place in your life where you can’t see infront of you. Remember how it feels? Remeber how lost and isolated you were? How helpless that felt?

Driving back from lunch, the snow was melting and there’s streams flowing in the curbs down to the sewer drains. From the angle I was on, the sun was bright, glistening in those streams. It almost seemed to dance...I just saw beauty in it. I saw God’s beauty in that glistening. It reminded me of standing on the soft sand of a beautiful beach, hearing waves wash up on the shore, birds in the distance and the crisp golden, orange color of a summer’s sunset accented by water.

When I got back to work, I stood outside, put my face to the sun and thanked God. I could feel complete warmth on the front of my body. I closed my eyes with my face to the sun. Today I struggle with the future; wondering if dreams will pass. I can’t see it clearly. But I believe. So I stood reminded that God has life under control. knowing in my heart, God is clearly under control. All I have to do, is obey and love him. When I can’t feel Him or see him at all, whatsoever, He is still there regardless. We all know this, but when it sinks down into the heart, the peace is overwhelming. I need this to sink into my soul, into my heart. So in those stormy times, I will have strong faith to hold on to. I chose to grow in this minor struggle. I hope I can see that for the others that come my way, because the power of it creates a strength. My God, my God, you have enlightened me. I wait for you to show up so your joy bleeds out this anxiety.
Eyes closed, face to the sun, I faintly whisper under my breathe, thank you, over and over again.

I can actually see the mountain I’m walking over, and I understand what will happen if I do not conquer it. And I tell you that I will, because I cannot stand by, I cannot quit, I cannot give up. It’s hard achieving a dream, but I would rather fight and fail rather than fail because I never fought. These dreams need to pass for fullness, so I can tell others that I made it so there’s no reason they can’t. A lyric from a U2 song spoke to me once, saying, ‘there’s no failure here sweatheart, just when you quit.’ I cannot fail if I don’t quit. Therefore, where do I have to go but straight towards the challenging? I’ll strike down my Goliath and behead him because the Lord’s calling is waiting. Because this heart won’t back down. I looked to God for strength today and He was failthful.

Joy, Fun, Blessing and Breakthrough!

2006-03-02T08:29:00.000-07:00

Well I know this is belated and slightly out dated but I don't care. I still wanted to write about this past weekend and this week so far. It's been incredible so I'll just sum it up quickly. I wanted to go more in depth with everything, but this will have to do for now. Time is an issue this week. So here goes nothin!

This past weekend was one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. Everyday was wicked, there was about 4 friends of mine that came home all at once to hang out, and 2 people I met that I haven't before. It was so wicked! Not to mention all the fun we all had. Spoons in Nik's house was soo much fun. Can you spell 'viscious'? Those girls aren't weak, that's for sure! What a great weekend. I got schooled by Tyson 3 out of 3 games of air hockey, from Ruckers Saturday night but Ill get em eventually. Nikki almost beat me at car racing. Just overall, I was on cloud 9.

This week has been incredible too. The peace and joy I've got. I even woke up this morning and step into the shower and just thank God for the day. I've got purpose today and I dont have to wake up feeling alone, I don't have to wake up feeling life is going no where because truth is, everyday it's going SoMeWhErE! It's so exciting and I'm soaking this up while it's here. I've got revelation and peace with a few things. I've had some awesome talks with Tyson and Nicole, it's just been great!

I've just been feeling God in a different way. Renewed may be a good term to use. Considering everything that I've felt that's been going on lately with my relationship with him. We just hit a different place. I had a few good chats with Tyson and I think God used Him to help me just to relax and fix my eyes on God and not everything else around me. I can't tell you how much peace I felt when I told God I just look at you and not at desires, passions or anything God given. I focused too much on the given and not the giver. I think something shifted when I did that because I feel like I'm at a new place in my journey and the peace is unremarkable. There's more love, God showed me that again Monday night and it was crumbling and humbling. I love my God... So spending this week with my eyes on God and nothing else has been a step for me I believe. Now new things seem to be infront of me and I'm glad I've broken through that. So thank you so much to everyone for the fantastic weekend/week. Thanks to all my friends, you guys/girls are such a blessing to me and I'm honored to be your friend/brother in Christ. You all are definately in my prayers and I pray blessing for each and every one of you! Exciting things are happening and this is the year for em! Be blessed abundantly!

Prodigious One

2006-02-22T23:21:00.000-07:00

It was time for my Father to hear a love song, so I wrote Him a letter, then turned it into more, with in depth words to capture true meaning. I just wanted to share it with you. :)

Prodigious One

Surviving on love, grace and mercy
Surpassingly lavished

If my sin never felt the warmth of the bright, shining sun
I would be on a darkened roadway leading to hell
Rejected and forsaken

Cater a starving soul
I taste of your fruit; I am drenched with its juices
Your divine presence has enlightened me
Prodigious One

You cannot be replaced
You can not be defeated
No government can over throw you
No being can stand against you and claim victory
Not one reality makes you twitch with fear
Fear is forgotten in the kingdom of heaven

What you bestow to me in one day requires a lifetime of debt to pay
I fail to find enough words to explain Your majesty
Your Holiness; Your perfection.
I am humbled by your presence alone
I’m not worthy to accept your gifts
Not even one
Nor am I worthy for blessing
I can thank you a thousand times and it’s never enough

You’ve gratified this heart
Mold me; sculpt me; shape me
more like you Lord, more like You
Make the familiar land become desolate
Plant my feet firmly so the storms of life will not engulf me

I’m humbled, fractured, and lost without you
Your prestige is unfathomable
Cleanse me, make me more like you
My flesh deteriorates on its own
This soul chooses You
I love you Lord
My God, I love you

josh pick . 02.22.06

Holy Puke!

2006-02-14T23:10:00.000-07:00

I had Faith Works tonight and I think that this was the most I've gotten to date in one night and it's funny because you don't even realize it until you leave and start thinking about it. It's right then, when God speaks to you. I can’t believe the amount of stuff I’m taking in tonight. I think God threw up on me, but allowed me to take it. That’s the best puke I’ve ever seen. Holy puke! Mmmm... yummy!

Curse the Wind

2006-02-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

Just a piece to share... if you guys could pray for me too I'd appreciate that. Rough waters, but what can I say... they don't last forever. Thanks

Are you testing me?
Because I’m failing.
I’m withering. I try.
Do I not try to hold on with the tightest grip that I can?
Why can I not hear you?
Are you speaking?
Am I not listening?
Why will you not talk to me?
Your word says you uphold those who love you,
You won’t let them fall.
I’m falling
How can I hold on with your strength if you withdraw your presence from me?

Why does everything around me have corruption?
How long do I have to walk alone?
The only reason I can do what I want to is through you, and I can’t see you.
I can’t hear you.
What did I do to you?
What did I do?
Why are you doing this to me?

I don’t want to fail; I don’t want the enemy to laugh at me
Scream with every breath; lash out the thin air,
Try and see if it’ll make you feel any better.
I ask you these questions and it seems as if you just ignore me.
I love you, I’ve told you a thousand times

I can’t say ‘no’.
There’s no value in failure
No reward for the quitter
I’m loosing my grip. I’m loosing my expectancy
I don’t want to. I want to hang on
I’m only human, I’m only a man.
I see my lack, I see too much of it

Have I not honoured you?
Have I not tried to be faithful with my life?
I feel like I’m walking alone.
I don’t understand what I have to do to get your attention?
Jump up and down?
Scream until no more sound comes out?
Cry? Curse?
I wish you would just tell me
Tell me what you’re trying to get through
So I could learn rather than guess
What have I done?

If you give me nothing else,
Would you please just give me the strength to get through?

Have I not come to you?
Have I not been seeking your face?
Have I not been pushing through hard enough?
Do I not tell you that I love you in the morning, when you give me a brand new day?
Do I not sing to you? Am I not pleasing to you?
Your word isn’t sinking it. It’s failing to get through to me. Maybe I’m rejecting it. Maybe I’m not listening.

My confidence is fading.
My worth is clouded.
I’m finding it harder to find the words to say to you
I want to give your due praises
I miss you…

The Guilt of Request...

2006-02-08T17:40:00.000-07:00

To what extent does it make it wrong to request of the Lord? I've heard some far fetched requests from people that you wouldn't naturally expect God to grant, yet... I've seen these requests granted... Why is it that when I have a particular request before God I feel guilty about asking for it? But it's like asking your dad for money. You'd do it because there's no harm in asking, and if he says no, oh well, you've lost nothing. But with God you don't always hear an answer. Sometimes you just have to believe you've received what you've asked for, because after all, it IS biblical to do so. If God said it, then it's true. Plain and simple. But I wonder why I still feel guilty. What God has cannot be ran dry. His amount cannot be limited, and if others have done this and received then why can't I? Is there a legitimate reason why I would feel guilty? Where does that come from? I wonder if I would need to 'believe' for this to see it come to pass? Yet I don't want to feel guilty and have to 'explain' myself to God of why I want what I'm asking for. I've been brought up that if you want something, you save and buy it. Makes perfect sense, and perhaps because I want something I've been taught that YOU save and buy it, don't ask someone else to do it for you. Maybe that's why I feel guilty. Either way, I suppose there's no harm in asking. If you were a Father, or are, and you truly loved your child, what would you want to give Him or Her?

Modest Appreciation; Thanks Girls!

2006-02-01T08:29:00.000-07:00

I'm so thankful when I forget what it is like to live in constant lust because of walking advertisements for sexual fantasy. I see these moments as nothing but a reminder to appreciate modesty.
To all the girls in my life that choose modesty and do not feel the need to flaunt your bodies, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, sincerely, thank you so much. You have no clue how blessed we men are to rest from sexual struggle from girls who 'could' show off the bodies, but choose not to. Thank you God for implementing that in them; thanks to them for their obedience. It minimizes our struggles. I understand there's usually more going on than meets the eye, on the other hand. It may not necessarily be to 'flaunt' but it's perhaps it's more of a lack of self esteem, or an issue within a woman's own heart, that she would feel the need to showcase herself. A friend of mine has said this best, "Modest is Hottest". That stands all but too true in my life. Modest, gorgeous women is much more incredibly stunning than a woman with a body that screams for attention. Honestly, I am pleased of the eye candy, yet the intent is wrong, it's all wrong. The heart of a modest woman is so much more desireable. Truly, thank you.

The Power of Love

2006-01-30T14:43:00.000-07:00

What a sad world we live in. It's clear why we're here... just listen to lost people talk about their personal opinions. God's design has been clouded and wrecked by his own creation. Humans. People turned off because of other 'christians' they've seen, and have been 'hypocrites'. 'Don't try and cram your beliefs down my throat.' They're clearly always watching. They place us 'religious' people high on a mantel and hope that we fall and when they do, they see no faith. They see no faith while we stand, they just look with anticipation that you'll fall and left with the question as to when that will happen.

We simply don't see our beliefs as some phony, religious way of thinking. 'Religion' to me is not the same 'religion' you speak of. The word 'religion' rubs off with a whole multitude of ideas and ways of doing certain activities that seem to have no significance with legitimate reasoning. Yet we try and communicate with these people and defend our beliefs when it's pointless to do so. If you won't listen to them, why will they listen to you?
I am fully convinced people need to be 'loved' to Jesus and not 'spoken' to Him. Everyone would be christians if speaking saved people. Everyone longs to be loved. It's the way we're wired. True love will put someone on their knees. True love can soften a deep, coloused heart. It may rerquire much more attention and care, but it will still begin to soften. So the only question then, is 'how'? Because love is an action word, we need figure out how we can love people; with action. Practical ways. If they want to know about my Jesus, then they'll ask me. I won't defend my beliefs. I'll just share what I do and why I do it. But I need to listen to them. If they have questions, they'll ask. Until those moments, should I just not do what I can to make someone know that when they see me, they'll see something positive about me?
Does it not feel much better to leave something you can't change in the hands of the Father? God is not afraid of the unbeliever. God is not intimidated as we may be of someone's lack of faith. They are of no threat to him, whatsoever. We do not need to defend God. Let God defend Himself. Simply do as you're called to do, pray, and let God take care of the rest.

100 Things I'm Thankful For Today

2006-01-24T17:11:00.000-07:00

1. I was given another day to live
2. I could breathe freely
3. I had legs to get out of bed
4.I had arms to help my legs out of bed
5. I had eyes to see so I could get to the bathroom
6. I had a bed to sleep in and a house to wake up to
7. I had a shower, with hot, clean water to use
8. I had soap to clean myself with
9. I had a nice towel to dry myself off with
10. a toothbrush and paste to keep my teeth clean
11.clothes in good condition I could wear
12. food to eat
13. God's word to eat
14. God to talk to throughout the day
15. I could play guitar for Jesus
16. God has purpose for me today
17. I have a way to get myself around where I want to go
18. free will
19. a job
20. opportunity to grow today
21. God loves me
22. I'm healthy
23. God is bigger than my mistakes I'll make today
24. God can forgive those mistakes
25. I got a lunch break
26. I got to eat my parents' food for free
27. family to see at lunch that love me and I love in return
28. I know I am loved
29. My car runs good
30. God's teaching me things today
31. I have goals to strive for
33. That I'm not the best at what I do
34. Other people are bigger and better than me
35. I'm also not the worst
36. I have enough money to survive today
37. a circle of friends
38. God's preparing me and my wife further today
39. That he'll give me a wife
40. I'm not alone
41. I live in Canada
42. I don't need to worry about being mugged on the way out to my car after work
43. I don't need to worry about tomorrow
44. an opporunity to fix the mistakes I made yesterday
45. opportunity to grow today
46. fellowship
47. gum
48. cell phones
49. dream & vision
50. I can pray whenever and wherever I want to
51. I don't have many enemies
52. God protects me
53. I can connect with him
54. blessing in every and any way.
55. food to eat tonight
56. I have extra clothes to change into after work
57. I can wash those clothes and keep them clean
58. my brain and my body functions properly
59. I have the opportunity to speak into someone's life in various ways
60. through Christ, I can make a difference
61. favor
62. The Dreamcentre
63. Mentors
64. People who are closer to God than I
65. People who are bigger than me spiritually and physically
66. People that I am bigger than spiritually and physically
67. Humbleness
68. the warmer weather
69. sunrises/sunsets
70. I cannot exhaust the love of God
71. fun activities to do
72. People who trust me
73. people who can be trusted
74. quality friends
75. God made women
76. animals
77. beauty of the outdoors
78. people who follow their dreams
79. my dad
80. my mom
81. Zac
82. Jer
83. My dog
84. the choices my parents have made in their lives
85. that someone believes in me
86. someone else will be attracted to me more than anyone else (wife)
87. I could inspire someone
88. someone could inspire me
89. I can enjoy today, pain free
90. people who know more than I do on any given subject
91. people to help me when I need it the most
92. I'll be warm and comfortable when I go to bed tonight
93. I have peace today
94. Medicine Hat
95. The internet
96. technology
97. people who didn't give up
98. people who don't settle for second best
99.I get to rest for the next day
100. For the day and everything it entailed

Funny...

2006-01-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

Life tends to busy itself. I'm not a large fan of 'busy' but I am a fan of 'progress' and I suppose progress is busy at times.

I forgot the difficulty of learning mass amounts of things, yet at the same time, I have no sympathy. When bigger and better things come to your doorstop, bigger responsibility comes right along side as a packaged deal too. Amazing how much we forget in life.
Amazing that we forget what it's like at times, to be a teenager.
We forget what is was lke to be a child, until we're reminded by another's actions.
It's rather funny to feel at the low end of everything you're doing in life. Work, night activities, even the things which I'm involved with at church, I feel least of all the people involved. Humbleness is a crappy lesson to experience, but well worth it in the end. Just pray that you don't require it all the time! It's also interesting to see the support of friends, or lackthereof, all at the same time.
It's funny how God can use them to remind me to completely rely on Him for everything.
It's like walking through a heavily tree infested area, with shrub and brush covering your path to extent that you can't even see 2 feet infront of you. So you cut through it all and go slow and carefully and when you're through you look back from where you come from and see surpirsing result. It's interesting when we do brand new things we've never done before you can't see God anywhere to be found, but afterwards, you see that He was everywhere to be found.

Funny how our dreams which stand so tall before us are easily shattered by a tiny amount of doubt. Yet, if you don't wait too long to pick up the pieces, you can remember how to put it back together. If you can't picture the final product, opposition defeats, but vision will enable one to continue on, regardless of the situation. Especially if you know you're suppose to be there.
Sometimes is it not hard to see around your siutation whatever it may be? I believe faith is the answer to making it through a hurricane. When the Bible says a mustard seed is enough, it means it. Wait till that's all you have; a mustard seed... It sure goes a long ways. I'm thankful for revelation.

Ask Yourself

2006-01-10T23:42:00.000-07:00

Ask yourself these questions and only if you want, write them in the comments. If you don't want to, or there's some that are personal, don't feel like you need to write about those ones. Some were personal to me and I'll keep it that way, but for the most part, I'm pretty open about it.
This is good stuff though, seriously. Read these questions all at once, think about them for a second, and go through and answer each one. I didn't make these up, but they were shown to me and I was told to answer them. And I did.

What is your dream

What is in your heart to do?
What are the secret petitions of your heart?
What do you wish you could be?
What could you do or be a part of, to bless someone else’s world?
What are you good at?
What would you do if time and resources were unlimited to you?
What do you find easy?
What moves you?
What idea are you hesitant to speak out loud because it’s so big and so daring?

Where's My King

2006-01-05T23:47:00.000-07:00

Where Is My King?

I can’t connect my heart with my mind
How often do I try and hold on to faith?
How often do I try so hard to believe?
How long do I have to go without feeling you with me?
Do I have sin?
Have I not asked of my sin to see cleansing?
Is my heart not right?
Do I not try every, single day to please you?

I’m drying up
Trying so hard to hold on but I just can’t feel you
Holding on to faith as much as possible
I don’t know how long I can go without you

God, do you not see my heart?
Do you not see how much I desire you?
I can’t feel you
If something is in our way, remove it
If it’s me, I want my lack destroyed

I’ve begun questioning my dreams
I don’t even really know anymore if they’re from you or not
I know you don’t call the able
But I don’t even feel worthy
On the outside looking in I can see that being exciting
It’s surely not

I try every, single day to follow you to the best I can
And I feel hung out to dry
I’m just waiting on you
I see a lack of hope in myself
I can’t share excitement where I want to be excited

Afraid to miss something you have, because of choices I’ve made
I’ve put so much faith and trust into you to not let me make those choices
Will you not honour that?
What good does it do to be frustrated with you?

Inside I still believe
My mind has been flooded with so many thoughts that I don’t want
Father this perversion is not me, this is not my heart

I can’t see what you’re doing right now
I won’t back down; I’ll continue to hold on
Until every last piece of my flesh has dried up
and death knocks for my soul

You need to be strong
You need to be strong
You need to hold on
There is no patience
I just find filth, Delinquency, Corrupt faith, Unworthiness
Enough is enough,
What do you have, what do you want of me?
Am I right where you want me?
Why can I just not hear that?
Why does it feel like you deny me?

I go into a place and feel strong
But now I feel weak
I feel apart from you
Are you hiding from me?
Where are you?
Where’s my King?

Truth in my spirit calls out to you Father
What little is left in me from what’s withdrawn
will serve you always, for the rest of my days
Declaration
Mark my words you beast, you won’t have my soul
I see a glorious crowned King
So much more worthy than you
I’ll wait for you
I’ll wait for you

2006-01-04T22:56:00.000-07:00

Silent Reminding

Is the vision of ideal unity so far off?
if we’d only reach for it
In my mind’s eye, I can see it in sight

Where’s the justice tonight?
Did Christ destroy because it felt good or made other people laugh?
Is what I want so much to ask for?
Is it an unrealistic idea?
Am I the only one who’ll say ‘yes’?
You and me, me and You, can we visit the supernatural together?
The tongue acts out of rebellion, only for a mere ‘feeling’
which seems to just cause pain
And not help a situation.
I ask why?
What good does it do to say those words? Will you go?

Will you give up everything and run without looking back?

Are these dreams false and not of you?
I am troubled by my own misleading
I find myself confused from truth
Father see this heart, search it through and through
You’ll find you

Even when you hurt me,
Can I stand there and just love you back?
Will I grow cold and turn away?
Your son refused
Silent reminding

Will you choose to love regardless of insult?
Regardless of a bitter tongue?
You are the dream
You are the goal
You are the reason

2005-12-30T20:54:00.000-07:00

Stupefy

I look back to see your grace. To see your mercy
You’ve been so good to me, better than I can imagine
To think and feel that this is only the beginning
I’m believing for bigger things
The revelation you’ve given to a broken man.
And undeserving man

I feel I’ve only bitten into your love and got a mere taste.
I want more – this never grows stale.
Your love has been forever changing
My eyes can finally see
like a prairie fire
a spark ignites
allow it to engulf everything and anything it can
I remember what you’ve done
And will hold onto it when I need it the most

Thankfulness doesn’t describe the way I feel
I could thank you a thousand times and it still wouldn’t be enough
So with my life, Lord, I offer to you
Day after day, minute for minute
I offer this soul for you
For your glory, for your will

I’ve got a faint scent of your aroma.
You’re sovereignty in one moment is worth more than I can give back
They say if it’s too good to be true, it probably is
I say you’re too good to be true, but you are
You’re the best ‘free’ gift I’ve ever had,
You came with a high cost but you sent your son to take that too
So for me, this gift is completely free
You took a treatment that was meant for me
You offer me even more than you offered your own son
You’re so big my mind can’t take it, it can’t understand
I ask why?
And you simply, gently whisper,
‘because I love you’

What can I truly do for you?
What will you do with this life as it’s offered to you?
One day I’ll finally see your face
I’ll dance with Jesus at your feet
Together, we’ll praise you

I can simply reflect over this past year and thank you
For coming to my rescue
I was captive, I was broken, I was lost
I tried over and over again to reach you, but
I couldn’t reach the proper height without you stretching your hand.
You finally did and Lord,
you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me
With your strength I can and will be all I can be
Just how deep can I go with you? Just how deep will you take me?
Just ‘how much’ can I do for you?
You excite me more than anything else Lord
You stir me up to dream dreams and picture vision
Something bigger than me that I can grow into.
And I am simply stupefied
You are ‘I Am’

2005-12-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

Porn, porn, porn...

This may be a bit long, but bare with it if you have time, it’ll be worth it, I guarantee.
I got a subscription to a magazine called ‘relevant’ for Christmas and came across an interesting article I wanted to share a bit from and an opinion. The article is called “Christians at a Porn Show”. There’s a group of Christians in the states called the ‘XXXChurch’. Founded by two pastors, if you hadn’t guessed it, their ministry is porn. Now there’s this annual Porn Show down in LA called “Erotica Los Angeles”. I’m guessing there all sorts of material present at this event that I really don’t want to fathom about. From reading the article it doesn’t sound pretty and these guys and girls needed a lot of spiritual prepping for an event this. They’re quite a controversial group and that’s why I like em’!
They opened two booths at the Porn Show and issued people to go 7 days without porn. They sold merchandise too such as shirts that read ‘Jesus Loves Porn Stars’ and ‘Do You Have the Balls to Stop Looking at Porn?’ Again, quite controversial.
I wish you could read the entire article but it wouldn’t be exciting on a blog page. You need all the color and pictures! (no, they’re not porn pictures)
I just wanted to write a few statistics and one write up of a volunteer from this event.

“Over the course of the convention, 213 people signed up for the seven-day porn challenge and more than 250 shirts were passed out.”
“It was my third consecutive year exhibiting at the Erotica LA Convention, which happens to be the world’s largest porn show. More than 60,000 people would walk through these doors into the 250,000 square feet of floor space over the course of the weekend.”

Julia, 24 wrote: “I’m so sad right now, so broken, so burdened. Why do people want to do this? Why do they think so little of themselves that they would take something so precious, so special, something that God wants us to save for one person? As I walked through the show, my soul felt like it was being suffocated. A life of complete emptiness and abandonment await these young girls. I want to hold them and convince them somehow that they are so special and precious and don’t need to be used. They are amazing women that God wants to love and hold close. You should see the hurt after some guy puts his hands on them for a picture. They smile for the camera and cry in their hearts. How can I, through my Jesus, help someone who has no understanding of love? ….. Thousands upon thousands of people lined up to pay $30 for a weekend filled with lust and physical desires only to go out of the show and think that what they saw is how sex and relationships should be. God taught me that I need to love these people even more, and that sin is sin and I am no different than them. I too have made compromises that have hurt me, and just like me, God can heal them. Also I realized just how disrespectful we are to each other. How can we ever have true relationships with friends or significant others if we only care about ourselves?”

I was just blown away by this article and I wish I could post it all or send a link to it but unfortunately I can’t because it’s in a magazine. It just got me thinking about that industry, about the brokenness that goes on in people’s lives. To imagine women who allow men to feel them up for a picture and have to smile all while they’re sexually harassed. There are no personalities. Just pretty faces with picture perfect bodies. I can’t really imagine being there, nor would I want to. To understand how draining it would have been to go there and try to be a light in a very dark place. I’m sure those men and women saw a lot of filth they don’t want to see, but they’re called for it and prepped for it. Changing people’s lives and views of pornography. If you want to know more about the article or other write ups, I can write up some more if you want. You can also visit www.xxxchurch.com to check out their website. It’s quite humorous but I think, ‘if they’re called by God to do this, then that is awesome!!’

2005-12-25T16:22:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and hope this day and next week is full of nothing but the best! And if it isn't? Not to worry, because there will be for you in the future! God Bless! --Josh Pick

2005-12-21T19:25:00.000-07:00

So I found a piece of writing I wrote in October. I wanted to share it and say that what I went through then I have looked back on now and have nothing but praise for because I truly do see... enjoy

Obedience

Day after day
Week after week
Does this fighting ever come to an end?
Is there no lasting peace?
I say ‘yes Lord, I will go’
And find little rest; little peace
No place to lay my head
What comes my way is all but for a short time
Just enough for the moment
Then I go back to war
Back to that bone dry dessert
And find myself fighting but once more
Stumbling in that blistering sun, will life always be like this?
What can I do but continue forward?
What can I do but hold on?
Like that little child who grabs a hold of a death grip on her bed sheets,
In fear of the demon beneath her bed
Searching for safety, something to hold on to in her fear
In her loneliness she does not let go, she does not let go
Always having to hold on, not for a moment, but for what seems like eternity
No rest, no constant stability
Just waiting on the Lord in his timing which seems like eternity in itself at times
Will I always have to cry out for my spirit to be uplifted?
Will I ever just be ‘up’?
Will I have to walk in this dessert for forty years?
Obedience

Will I ever be on course?
Like the drunken man trying to find his way home
in the early hours of the morning
Staggering from side to side
Can I not feel sober? Can I not walk straight?
Mindsets, lacking,
Attitude, Impatience,
Eagerness, Anxiousness
Is it me? Is it you?
This blindness is causing fatigue
My deaf ear is wearing on me
Why, just why?

Will I ever see this course?
Will I only see when I look back?
I know I’ll see your goodness when I look back, for I already do
I trust it, I trust you
I believe it, I feel it

All I can do is fall to my knees
Lift up these broken hands,
Close these clouded, heavy eyes and say
‘Take me Father… Take me.’

2005-12-21T19:08:00.000-07:00

The Beginning

So I found this blog site through a friend of mine. It seems abit better than what I'm used to. Seems like a better place to post the way you feel or something. I like that. Seeing others who write about the way they truly feel is inspiring for me to continue to do the same. Through thick and thin. Look at that photo? lol. My dad took that this past summer when we went to Moose Jaw for a family wedding. When I know he's taking pictures of me I just kinda freeze up to try and pose. It's fun posing, whether the picture turns out good or not is another factor, but hey, if I hated it, I wouldn't post it!
Anyways, I just wanted to get things started on here and intro myself onto this website for the few people who are ever going to read this stuff or even care to see it, but hey, that's okay. It's just kinda enjoyable to write whether someone reads it or not. I'll post some more interesting stuff like opinions or writings I've done later.